list.take.6.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I don't know if it is easy to distinguish the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't say that anything in my life has been especially uniquely difficult life. But for me, I have had challenges. We all have.
I am a lover of lists so I was going to make a list.. but then I realized that I know the answer. The answer is relationships. Yes, I am aware that I often use this blog as a way to vent about little crushes, or boys and all that stuff. But I'm talking about something different in this case. Actually I could discuss my fear of relationships. How I'm afraid that someone could actually love me, change their mind and hate me. How I'm afraid that I'm too lovable. Not lovable enough, replacable. How I fear moving out because I don't know if I will ever want to come back. How I love my friends but hate them simultaneously because I'm aware that many of the ways I am treated, I deserve better or on the other hand so much better than I deserve. 
Most specifically in this case is my relationship with my little sister. My little sister is wonderful. She loves reading and Twilight and Harry Potter. She is addicted to facebook.  She likes it when people say hi to her and is obsessive about goodbyes and goodnights. Of course, there are bad things about my sister too. There are bad things about everyone. Sometiems she gets mad and calls people names, or hits and bites. That's about all I really know about my sister. My little sister is 19. She is autistic. She is so-called high-functioning autistic.
I am about to be the worst person in the world to say that I love my sister. But I don't like her. I can think of two times in my entire life where I have ever felt any sort of connection with her. What makes it worse is the fact that I am always seeing these stories about how awesome it is to have an autistic sibling. How they still do lots of things together and they can tell they the other one loves them. 
That hasn't been my experience. My sister doesn't want to do things with me. She never has. She sometimes likes playing games. But she never wants to do them with me. When I talk she tells me to shut up. When I help her or drive her somewhere she slams the door and swears.
It's an adventure every day trying to relate. Further, it is extremely difficult to feel connected and to go through life without that vital connection to a sibling. It's hard.
That is my biggest challenge. To love my sister, get to know her better and not get too down about the whole thing.

list.take.5.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) I am happy because I know my prayers are answered.

2) I am happy because I know that there is a plan for my life, even if I don't know what it is right now.

3) I am happy because I only have 500 words left on my paper and that means it will be done a day early!
4) I am happy because I am getting healthier

5) I am happy because I am beginning to come to grips with my relationship with ____.

 

list.take.3.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

     I love my parents. I love my parents alot. As an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I beleive in forever, eternal families. I beleive that through the blessings of the restored priesthood and temple ordinances my family can be together forever. That is an important element in my relationship with my parents. Also important to remember is I am 22 years old, and still live at home. This is an enormous blessing. I don't have to pay rent, have very few rules, yet that important element of independence is missing.

    Don't get me wrong I love them. It is a difficult transition between teenager and adult. I have a great friendship with my parents, especially with my mom. But sometimes it's hard because there is still the authority.

list.take.4.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I would tell my 16 year-old self...

1) Don't worry so much

2) Smile every day

3) Don't let boys just hang out with you, expect themt  to date you

4) Pray more, complain less

5) Don't let high school get to you

6) People like you, don't read into it too much

7) Read your scriptures everyday

8) Attend the temple and church activities as often as possible

9) Study hard

10) Love yourself

(credit: postsecret.com)

Week.Two.

July 1, 2012

     Happy Canada Day All!

1. Monday

      Today was my first day of classes! It is really hard to stay awake when you feel so jetlaged and starving. I am super exicted for my classes though! That may sound nerdy, but it's true! I get to take a British History class, and a British Literature class.  We also have a London Walks class!

     It was mighty hard to stay awake in class, but I did awesome on the quiz and hae been so thoroughly impressed with my fellow students. some of them are so articulate and well-spoken. I don't think I will ever participate in class! They just have so many wonderful ideas and seem to have a better grasp on just about everything. I guess maybe the American school system is greatly superior or they are all just geniuses... It is just mind boggling!

    So here is how a typical class day works, breakfast 8:00-8:30, class at 9:00-10:15 then a half hour break, and Literature from 10:45-12:00. 

(classroom ceiling)

   On this particular Monday though we had only an hour break and then we had a meeting with Thais (Tie - e - sss) and Alvaro, they are the people who run the centre. Thais is the chef and Alvaro does everything else. They are the cutest Portugese couple ever! So during that hour break me and a few people went exploring the few blocks around our house for a Indian Take-Away Restaurant. It was only my second time ver trying Indian food and I LOVE IT! I got butter chicken and it was the most delicious thing ever! Plus it was an excellent opportunity to keeping getting to know people's names and who they are!

(Indian take-away crew - Chelsea, Lauren, Ali, Megan, Kim and Me)

     Alvaro and Thias had a lot of things to say about the house, and its up keep.  So now I feel a bit more prepared to live with all these people. Although they gave no advice on how to shower in public showers when the shower doors are completely see-through. I don't think anyone thought that through!

(see through bathroom stalls - you can't tell from here.. but trust me!)

     Then we were off again, me and Valerie (my bunkmate) went on a walk to look for the text books we hadn't bought yet including the boring history book called ; The Story of England by Michael Wood and then Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro (this one looks a little better).  We walked all around and found this darling little second-hand book store on Portebello Road (like Bedknobs and Broomsticks). Then we headed into Hyde Park where we found the Peter Pan statue and got terribly lost until 4:30 when I had to be back for dinner crew.  We got so lost that some how we crossed a road without realizing it! I mean, Hyde Park is no Centeral Park but it is still quite large. There are two lakes in it! I find it really interesting what parks are like here, they are more of gardens and they are completely gorgeous!

(Me and Valerie at the Peter Pan statue - where we ran into another student -Janie and she took our picture)

    Dinner was Kerma (sp) which is like a sweet curry! Then it was time for another novel experience which I adored! We went to listen to the London Symphony Orchestra. It was played right in St Pauls Cathedral! It is so majestic! The symphony was so beautiful! It was 90 minutes straight so I was rather pleased with myself for staying awake the entire time!  But it just left me feeling wonderful! It had a choir and all the instruments! I love when I watch all the string instruments and their bows are moving in unison together! It just looks so nifty! The choir was phenomenal! There was this tenor who had a solo and his projection was so impressive. They sang in latin and you could follow along in the program, I found that rather enjoyable. Perhaps I will try to learn Latin someday, it is a pretty language.

(St Paul's)

     One thing that I really want to know about Cathedrals and churches in general is the buriment of famous and rich It was beautiful but long.

(tomb)


     2.) Tuesday:

     Tuesday was insanity! We got so much stuff done! It was so fun! We woke up for breakfast at eight then cleaned up and headed out.

     There is a section of Kennsington Gardens called Princess Diana Memorial Park. IT is a playground only for little children, but is open for free to adults only between 9:30 and 10:00. So, a few of us headed out to explore. It was so much fun. It was mostly based on James Barrie's novel, "Peter Pan" so there was a pirate ship, crocodile, treasure chest, 'Indian' camp, and tree house! We had loads of fun taking pictures until the children came and we had to leave.

(Me and Chelsea at the Pirate Ship in Princess Diana Memorial Park)

     Me and Suzette, Chelsea, Valerie and Lauren went to the biggest, hugest department store in the entire world maybe, it is called Harods!  It is huge and we saw diamond encrusted plates and ate at a Godiva Chocolate restaurant. There were the most intense things there! Things that I would never be able to afford in a million years, but perhaps I will register there when I marry Prince Harry or something.. Also, the toy store! They had giant teddy bears for 1500 pounds! I kind of want one! You can get them dressed up like all sorts of things like bobbies and in kilts! It was amazing!

(At Godiva Restaurant in Harrod's eating a milkshake and fondue! Yum! Suzette, Chelsea, Lauren, Me and Valerie)

    Then we took the tube to see Big Ben, Westminister Abby, Trafalger Square, Parliament and Buckingham Palace.  It was amazing. I had heard the Great Britian is more known for things that are old than things that are grand in size.  But I felt completely dwarfed by the majesty of these buildings! They are beautiful and ornate! Actually Buckinham Palace is the least ornate.  It was super fun to see the soldiers. I don't understand how they do everything in unison! We had loads of fun taking pictures and just walking and walking. We also strolled along the Thames and saw the swans. I love swans! I wonder how many are princesses... Just a thought.

(Me and Big Ben!)

     While we were relaxing, eating Galaxy Bars (best chocolate ever) in the park I heard a band and so I ran over to see. There is across the street a Guard Museum and chapel and the Guard band was playing. They looked all sharp in their red uniforms. Ok, they looked smoking amazing! And they were all playing and singing. We just caught the end of their performance, but it was so sweet. The lead singer said it was someone's anniversary and they had to stand up and they sang "The Way You Look Tonight" It was so touching. I may or may not have cried...

(View from the bench at St. James Park. Man, the British know how to do parks right.)

    Then we ran back for dinner and had a werid half an avacado covered in shrimp in this sauce, that is kind of like fry sauce. It sounds gross, but it was good. I really enjoyed it!

     Then we had a lecture on Henry V and after walking for like five hours (as seen in two paragraphs above) we went and stood in the standing area at the Globe for three-ish hours to watch Henry V performed.  It was a phenomenal show. The man playing Henry V was quite charmingly cute! I think, however that I was too tired to trully appreciate it.  Nearly all I could focus on was how much my feet hurt and my legs are sore from the huge amount of stairs in our house.

(poster for Henry V with Jamie Parker at the Globe)

      3.)     Wednesday:

     Wednesday was also crazy busy.

      We woke up early like around 6 and headed off to see Dover Castle and the Cliffs of Dover. It was really cool because this is one of the first places that was invaded most times Great Britain was invaded. Henry VIII lived there for a while. I loved it. Castles are cool.  Did you know they made the stairs different lengths and heights to make running up it without tripping impossible as a defence thing? Well, they did.  But man, are castles cold and the fog didn't . it was all drafty and there was fog all over. We climbed up to the top and they had a few exhibits. There was information on how people lived and all about all the kings who had occupied the castle. I think one of the most facinating things for me for some reason was that the walls were made of chalk.  Apparently this castle has been used as a miliatry base until quite recently and it wasn't until about ten years ago or so that they realized that there were tunnels.  By secret I mean civilians never knew there were tunnels under the cliffs and castle.  It was a fortress. Like when bombs were being dropped during WWII the worst was it would maybe turn out the power.  Actually these tunnels were used alot durning WWII. There were hospital tunnels and living quarters where all the branches of the army worked and lived together.  Although apparently they had to have tea in shifts to avoid shared information between units and branches.  I think it would have driven me crazy to live in a place like that, all under ground and freezing.  Also interesting fact is the only other time the tunnels were used as a hospital after the war was a year or about nine months after for all the excess of babies being born, although most women allowed in were either military or married to - wouldn't want to give up the location.  I found it funny that the tour guide kept telling us about "nineteen furtee:"haha his accent was funny!

(top of Dover Tower)

     And then we headed to the Cliffs which were beyond beautiful and all chalk. The Brits do things differnt though-no railings to keep you safe so it was kind of scary!

(cliffs and ocean and fog -- so beautiful!)

    Then we headed to Canterbury Cathedral.  It was beautiful. That is the place where Thomas Beckett was murdered.  And we even saw the arch-bishop teaching some new priests how to pass sacrament! (odd thing: some were women)

(Me and Valerie at Canterbury Cathedral)

     We got home around seven and I don't even remember what I did - study I think...

     4)     Thursday:

     We had class and got lost in Leichester Square (pronounced Lester) where we were going to try to buy tickets for Les Mis.. but I had to get back for dish duty so that was over pretty fast.. So then I just headed on home and stayed in and read 12th night with a whole group of people since we needed that read by Monday.

(Singing in the Rain Theatre at Leichester Square -- I want to see this so badly)

     5)    Friday:

      We went to the Tower of London. It was so huge! There was so much to see. We saw the Ravens. The ravens are everywhere. Apparently there was a prophesy that if the ravens ever left the Tower would fall. so they have a house and a keeper and are everywhere and totally unafraid of people!

 (Tower of London Tower)

 

    We were supposed to have lunch on our own, but got held up at the Tower and all the sights and plus we ran into Celester who had the stomache flu (it's going around, kind of makes me uneasy), so we helped her out and then met at this cool sundial where we started a London Walk.  We are required to complete 7 London Walks that are certain places we need to walk and see and just experience and then write about. This walk was called Londinium. It is the oldest part of London. It was amazing! Not only did it have a whole bunch of old Roman walls (including in the basement of this museum an entire Roman Amplitheatre! They only just discovered this while renovating about eight years ago.  It is so amazing to imagine regularly finding something that old, ancient, just lying around. Here it just seems to happen nearly everyday!) There was a wonderful blend of old and new architecture including; The Shard! This is because of the London Fires that happened around that area. WE learned all about that in the London Museum we went to afterwards! There is just so much knowledge I can scarce take it all in!

(Tower Bridge with an Olympic flair)

     Then we had a lecutre on contemporary theatre and the play we are gong to see this upcoming week call "One Man Two Guvnors" from Tim Slover.  This was our last lecture from him! It is so sad! He is going home on Monday:(

    That evening I went to the eye.. I was really scared of the height but the sights were phenomenal.  Valerie and I got on at the exact right moment. We bought our tickets about about 8:30pm, then boarded about 9 (since it closes at 9:30).  But we did not board before watching the 4D movie that was free! It was hilarious! We got to follow a seagull over London and then there were people dancing bollywood, and a Chinese dragon and a proposal, a wedding reception and a birthday party all happening in the eye pods. haha It didn't happen when we rode it! I'm a little disappointed!  Once we reached the top, we could see the sunset! And then as we desended it was just so beautiful! All the buildings began to light up! London is truly the most beautiful city on earth! It nearly makes me cry!

(Me and Parliament in the London Eye)

    Then we just wandered around Trafalger Square and ended up at home around eleven.

(found David Beckam - we're in love! I KNEW I'd find a British Man)

      6.)     Saturday:

     We had another London Walk and went to the Tate Modern Art Museum via the London Bridge.  Before the bridge though we went to Bourough Market.  This is a wonderful farmers market that is actually like everyday!  I happened to have THE BEST GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH OF ALL TIME!!! I also sampled this nougat and carmel fudge. It was the best! And there was Cathedral next-door (huge surprise) but it had this interesting monument for a native man who came over with John Smith and died of small pox, but had to be burried around there because he was not permitted to be burried in London City Limits. It was also the original place where William Shakespeare was buried. 

 (Borough Market Sign)

 

    I can't say that the Tate Modern Museum was really my cup of tea.  I learned that no matter how much I try to open my mind I'm not sure I can appreciate completely modern art. Although I saw some Picaso. That was kind of neat. There was also this video exhibit which was really cool. It was interviews with survivors from the Crimean War and their surviving items. It was really touching, and neat because they weren't speaking english so it just had subtitles and then you still put headphones on to hear their voice, just made it a more intimate experience. It was super neat. 

(art?)

     Then we headed off to St Paul's with the intention of climbing it.. but to commemorate the Diamond Jubilee they have placed random, beautifully painted pianos all over the city so we stopped to play around on one.. Well, me more to listen. And this old, most likely homeless, crazy and slightly drunk Irish man came up and talked to us for nearly two hours! We couldn't get away. He was sweet and knew all sorts of fun facts and said we could come stay with him if we needed to and gave us ten pounds for icecream because he had to get to the church and couldn't come with us. while he was hugging us.. gross! I slipped that back in his bag. He was  funny and spit alot when he talked. he also had no bottom teeth and wanted to know if my friend Nicala (pronounced like Mikayla but with an N) if she was spoken for because he'd be interested! haha. I was glad it was a heavy pedistraian traffic area. And proud that I was the one that hereded us all out of there.

(Sean Finnigan AKA Crazy Irish Man)

      Then we went to KingsCross Station and got our picture with the famous platform! I just love Harry Potter. Then we headed into the bookshop to look at the Harry Potter books, and I read the Gruffalo to everyone, because that is how cool we are.

(Christina, Nicala, Valerie, Me and Ashley heading off to Hogwarts)

    When we came home and I was going to do some more homework, but ended up going to see Mamma Mia. Which was so fun! Thre was a slight hiccup with Sarah loosing her credit card, but all was right in the end. Plus I tried falaffel for the first time! Yum! The entire audience was dancing and singing along! There was also a chick fight during intermission and these two ladies had to get escorted out and they never came back! I amnot sure how it started, but it seemed like it was from people dancing and yelling during the performance (Hen Party or Bachelorette Party) and then this man told them to shut up and they decided to pick on his wife.. Crazy!  It was a good distraction to how homesick I felt that morning. I just realized how long the trip was. Although I definetly cried a lot during Slipping Through My Fingers, more than usual, because they were having such a cute family moment. 

(Prince of Wales Theatre)

      The true purpose of the show was for Kim's birthday. Then after we decided to go to the  because some of the guys in the show were really hot Kim wanted to get their autograph and a picture so we went to the stage door to try to meet them. We must've missed them though. Although it was so funny because this really good looking guy came out and Emily asked if we could get a picture with him and he said "I wasn't in the show.. Im a lighting guy" so funny! and embarassing (for her).

(The gang - Megan, Me, Kim, Janie, Kaitlin, Sarah, Sarah, Emilee)

     Then today was Sunday. And I am fasting.  It has been good so far.  I even taught my first Sunday School Lesson. Iwas glad I decided to prepare one just in case!  It went well, a bit rocky at the start, but I got less nervous. It just feels like a lot of stress taching investigators! I don't want to over complicate things or tell them somthing wrong. But, they were good at contributing and super nice. Although I can't remember all of their names because they were Jamacian names and Nigerian names and so I had never heard them and found them harder to committ to memory.

      Now we have a fireside tonight about the blitz and yes I got home and put on my Canada shirt.. so we may go out and find something to do - there is another Canadian on the trip from Raymond! I am so glad someone else knows what BC is and where Kamloops is. She is a BYU student and super nice!

(From another day.. but Look! Canada is everywhere!)

Week.One.

July 23, 2012
     It has been such a few days! I'll start at the beginning...

1. Saturday:

     I woke up about a million times after going to bed around 9:30. I found I wasn't really waking up because I was awake, but more because I was starving to death. I wonder if that is a major part of jetlag for most people, because I know that is what I have struggled with the most!  Then I woke up to birds and sirens and the pitter patter of rain, it is still hard to process that I am really in London and not at home in Kamloops.

     I headed down for my complimentary breakfast and had my first attempt at a traditional British breakfast. Now, let me tell you, I was not all that impressed. There was bacon, that is really ham, no peanut butter for my toast (just jam) or cream cheese for my bagle (just jam) and cold pancakes. Plus, absolutely everything is greasy as heck and who eats baked beans first thing in the morning? But I did my best, who knows perhaps I will learn to love all this stuff! 

     I then called myself my own cab, checked out and headed off for what is called

The Brigham Young University Centre!

 

     My cab ride was a bit awkward. Prior to coming here we had gotten a lot of reading on the culture of Great Britain and one of the things I had remembered reading was not to discuss careers with people, it is offensive. I happen to love asking people how they chose their jobs and if they like it, so before I could come up with a safer subject - like let's say the weather (I'm a bit slow at times).  I decided the lull had been so long, so we drove in silence. But it was lovely! Everything is brick and so old and guess what? I am staying in a rich part of town! It is nice, like breath-taking, I'm so incredibly over-whelmed, can't stop staring nice! Plus, my cab was so British! It looked British (shape-wise, you know?) and I got called Miss and he carried my bags! Although I can't help but wonder at which point does one become a Ms or Ma'am instead of a Miss? Just curious!

    When I arrived at the centre I met my professors, they are lovely, just really nice! They even carried my huge suitcase up the million stairs for me! Then I got to explore!

     I picked the closest room, no way I was walking up more stairs than I had to!  I was only the third person there! The other two girls are super nice and crazy thing is one (Maddie) just graduated from high school! I don't think I would have been that brave!  We, the three first, enjoyed a nice stroll through Kensington Gardens together, got our Oyster Cards, walked throught his awesome mall full of shops called Whitelys (the movie theatre is so expensive like 20 pounds a seat, but you can reserve your seat and they recline and it has a restaurant with waiters!) and tried Schwarma and Ka Bobs!  I also told them a ridiculous amount about Canada.  I don't think they realize it isn't all that differnt. I showed them loonies and toonies and answered some questions that I thought were rather dumb. Including what BC stands for. Oh, dear, Rick Mercer would love these two! haha

    Slowly others trickled into the Centre and came up all the stairs to find rooms! There are 31 girls here and 8 guys. One girl is engaged, one guy is engaged, another is married and one has recieved his mission call. A few people did not arrive until Sunday morning because of problems at the JFK airport! I am just so grateful it wasn't me!

     I went to bed fairly early again after a devotional on London. Apparently they are stuck up here! We also got our assignments for our wards that we will be attending church in while we're here! I just love this place already!

     2.  Sunday:

     I had to get up relatively early for church, Ok, not really, iIt wasn't bad at all. I woke up at 8 for breakfast, then left at 9 to take the tube and then a train to our church. Me and six other people (Jordan, Chelsea, Matthew, Sarah, Sarah, and Shelby) are part of the Wadsworth Common Ward.  It is certainly the most different ward I have ever been in! The race distribution is way differnt than the one back in Kamloops. It is like 90% black and there were probably at most only 25 people in sacrament meeting. It is also really interesting because nearly all of them are converts.  They had no pianist or conductor so a few people in my group (Chelsea and Matthew) stepped in right away.  They are much braver souls than I am that's for sure!

      I think one of my favorite things was that church was that it isn't really all that different, it feels the same no matter what! That makes me happy!

    We all got our callings! I get to teach Gospel Principles class with two others, Jordan and Shelby! It makes me nervous, but we'll see how it goes!

     After I got home from church around 2, (takes about an hour to get home) I made myself a nutella sandwich (that seems to be the thing to eat with these British/Utah people) and did some journaling and then reading for class!

     That evening after a dinner of pea soup (not sure that I'll do that again) we had a fireside by a UVU professor named Tim Slover. He is a remarkable lecturer and since he is a contemporary theatre professor he gave us some awesome tips on how to take advantage of the art and theatre scene here in London. He also just let us know how to be more open to art that maybe isn't "your style"! Now I can't wait to get out and see some fringe plays in theatres behind pubs and such!

   We then studied like mad for the pretest in our classes on Monday! I don't think I've ever studied with such a big group, but it is nice to know that some people share the same concerns about the difficulty level and are just as ill-prepared as myself!

     There are a few things I had learned by this point.

• there are way too many stairs in the centre! I'm on the third floor apparently, but I walk up like six flights of stairs
• it rains like all the time
• there is no such thing as heat
• everyone from Utah knows everyone else from Utah
• the dress code isn't as crazily enforced as I thought
• everyone is so friendly
• we can't eat in our rooms, it leaves us at risk for rats
• since I sleep on the bottom bunk, there is all sorts of advice written on my 'ceiling' -- especially about snogging strangers, apparently asking them first is a good idea, and you shouldn't do it in front of your prof (they don't like that).

Love,
     Me

leaving.

June 22
  
     "I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again. "


     Ok, well I do know where I'm going and when I'll be back. I have been excited about this trip for weeks and weeks and months and months. But lately I think I've just been realizing all the things I will miss!

• my family
• my friends
• being able to contact who ever I want whenever I want
• grumpy bear
• my bed
• driving my car
• my own room
• food that I am familiar with

     This is all so foreign I hardly know what to think..

     I'm freaking out, but trying to stay positive.. who knows right?

(credit: postsecret.com)

into.you.

     I want this again...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-happens-when-youre-really-into-someone/

thoughts.

     Has anyone ever noticed when the best time to think is?

     The best time to think for me is at night, it seems the deeper the darkness becomes the deeper my thoughts, or perhaps that is just because I get more tired and think dumb things start to sounds smarter.  These thoughts can be all types. Lately though, they haven't been the happiest. I have been having thoughts of sadness, of confusion, of fear. So here you go non-existent audience, here are my thoughts!
     I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness.  I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time   to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS.  And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way.  The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
       "he respects my space,
        and never makes me wait,
        and he calls exactly when he says he will,
        he's close to my mother,
        talks business with my father,
        he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
    

    I also worry about the future and about school and even about going abroad in a few weeks. I am afraid to be away from home. I am worried about the unpredictability of it all.I am worried about making friends and meeitng people and doing the school work.


     I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..

    Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..

     Good night world!

it.goes.on.

     Hey vast internet world,

     These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!

     http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/

     "You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "

(credit postsecret.com)

love.heartbreak.part.II.

      Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
  
      Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...

      It is my own fault.  It comes with way too high of expectations.  

     I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.

     But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance.  I feel creepy.  I just want to keep crying!
    
     My friend just wrote me this:

     "I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)"
     
     That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me.  But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now. 

• She's funny
• She is super nice
• She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
• She has good legs
• She can dance wonderfully
• She is really friendly and chatty
• they are so cute together
• Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
• And I am NOT!

     But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.

     But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long.  I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things.  She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..

• what is wrong with me? :(

I'm so sick of being alone...

I can't do this anymore...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)

just.friends?

    
     They say guys and girls can't just be friends.

     I beleive it.


     I beleive that no matter what someone is going to feel something for the other one. The problem is it may not, and will not go both ways (at least in my case).  I know this sounds stupid, and I know this sounds immature but I think it's a problem.  I am loving being his friend. I want to be his friend. All I want is to spend time with him and get to know him better, but the knowing that it will never go farther hurts.. Alot!


     There are always other expectations.

      It is difficult.


     It is scary.

     I wish I could read people's thoughts.

power.of.words.

    Have you seen this video? It is beautiful! Perhaps a clever advertising ploy, but I don't care I love it!

     I think that the message is important too. I've found it pretty useful and important in my everyday life. It is all about perspective. It is all about how you say things and how you look at the world. Like today for instance. I planned this hike and only one person showed up. I could see it as a failure or be thankful that that one person showed up and I had the opportunity to get to know him better. Or when the guy I liked asked me to hang out after. I could be upset that it was in a group or be glad he likes spending time with me, even if it is just as friends.

     There are so many examples and wonderful opportunities to change our opinion and to brighten others lives. I hope, I can take more of them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Hzgzim5m7oU

(credit: postsecret.com)                                          
     I thought this was a rather beautiful reiteration!