I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness. I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS. And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way. The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
"he respects my space,
and never makes me wait,
and he calls exactly when he says he will,
he's close to my mother,
talks business with my father,
he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..
Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..
Good night world!
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