list.take.5.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) I am happy because I know my prayers are answered.

2) I am happy because I know that there is a plan for my life, even if I don't know what it is right now.

3) I am happy because I only have 500 words left on my paper and that means it will be done a day early!
4) I am happy because I am getting healthier

5) I am happy because I am beginning to come to grips with my relationship with ____.

 

list.take.3.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

     I love my parents. I love my parents alot. As an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I beleive in forever, eternal families. I beleive that through the blessings of the restored priesthood and temple ordinances my family can be together forever. That is an important element in my relationship with my parents. Also important to remember is I am 22 years old, and still live at home. This is an enormous blessing. I don't have to pay rent, have very few rules, yet that important element of independence is missing.

    Don't get me wrong I love them. It is a difficult transition between teenager and adult. I have a great friendship with my parents, especially with my mom. But sometimes it's hard because there is still the authority.

thoughts.

     Has anyone ever noticed when the best time to think is?

     The best time to think for me is at night, it seems the deeper the darkness becomes the deeper my thoughts, or perhaps that is just because I get more tired and think dumb things start to sounds smarter.  These thoughts can be all types. Lately though, they haven't been the happiest. I have been having thoughts of sadness, of confusion, of fear. So here you go non-existent audience, here are my thoughts!
     I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness.  I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time   to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS.  And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way.  The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
       "he respects my space,
        and never makes me wait,
        and he calls exactly when he says he will,
        he's close to my mother,
        talks business with my father,
        he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
    

    I also worry about the future and about school and even about going abroad in a few weeks. I am afraid to be away from home. I am worried about the unpredictability of it all.I am worried about making friends and meeitng people and doing the school work.


     I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..

    Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..

     Good night world!

waiting.

       Please forgive the musings of a 21 year old girl.

1. It's late
2. I'm exhausted and therefore over-emotional
3. I'm a girl. (I never like that as an excuse, but today it seems like a legit one)

     I thought this summer I knew what it meant to start to fall in love. I learned a little bit about what real feelings truly are. What I mean by this, is I learned what it could feel like, and more importantly perhaps I learned how much it hurts. I learned how much it hurts to have those feelings not reciprocated. I learned how much it hurts to be rejected, to not be good enough.  If you are a faithful reader (I know they don't exist, but I can pretend) you will be aware I have posted on this in the past. I hope you, dear and faithful readers, will also be aware that I have realized this summer and all it entailed was actually a blessing in disguise.  I learned a lot this summer. I learned about feelings, and about loss and life and independence and most importantly I feel I learned about me.  This summer made me grateful that I've chosen to wait.

[insert rant here]
    
     Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.

• Self-respect for me
• Respect for the person I am waiting for

      I think the second point was one of the major issues or problems (call it what you may) with the guy this past summer. Man, I thought he was perfect.

• He was handsome
• He was smart
• He gave me butterflies
• He liked me back
• He listened

   Basically in my mind he had all the requirements... Well, sort of. There was one little hitch. He's been with pretty much every woman and their mother (yes, that's an exaggeration), the point being there was a lot. More significantly than that. There was a lot that meant nothing. Even if he had truly changed, like he claimed. For me that uncomfortable feeling that I was constantly being compared never would have left.

   Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.

    I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!

declaration.

     As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found the portrayal came accross as a paranoid religion, that is unaccepting of others.  I cannot count the times people have told me my dad is a polygymist (which isn't even the proper term as that just means multiple spouses and not multiple wives) or that my gender is restricted in some way. People have simpley hidden against judgements of soething they do not understand nor try to understand or a faith that is open, accepting,and loving and most of all Christian (defined by beleiver of Christ) which is exactly what I and others of my faith are.

(credit: postsecret.com)

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 19

Day 19:

A Picture Of A Letter 

      This isn't a picture of a letter, but this is a picture of my favorite kinds of letters, missionary letters. Actually, at this moment I'm waiting for a special one.  I really hope it comes!

     Update: It did! Hurray!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 17

Day 17:

A Picture Of Something That Has Made A Huge Impact On Your Life Recently

 

     This is a hard one to think of, in fact the only thing I can think of is my car brakes. Why? Well, I just had to replace my car brakes this past weekend as they were just about to give out! It was a little manifestation of a miracle in my life as I had been planning on going to Vancouver to attend the temple.  However, the day before my brakes went my parents told me I was no longer allowed because they had a funny feeling. It turns out my parents were  inspired and both I and my friend are safe because of them.  Now, if only my friend would forgive me and start talking to me so I could tell her the exciting news!

 

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 15

Day 15:

A Picture Of Something You Want To Do Before You Die

     There are many things I want to do before I die, but top of my list is to be married for time and all eternity in the temple (specifically I would love to be married in the Spokeane Temple). 



30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 5

Day 5:

A Picture of Your Favorite Night

     This is one of many, but this is the night my cousin Josh came home from his mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in Buenos Aires, Argentina.  I am so proud of him! That night I loved being with my family and feeling of that amazing spirit of one-ness!