thoughts.

     Has anyone ever noticed when the best time to think is?

     The best time to think for me is at night, it seems the deeper the darkness becomes the deeper my thoughts, or perhaps that is just because I get more tired and think dumb things start to sounds smarter.  These thoughts can be all types. Lately though, they haven't been the happiest. I have been having thoughts of sadness, of confusion, of fear. So here you go non-existent audience, here are my thoughts!
     I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness.  I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time   to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS.  And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way.  The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
       "he respects my space,
        and never makes me wait,
        and he calls exactly when he says he will,
        he's close to my mother,
        talks business with my father,
        he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
    

    I also worry about the future and about school and even about going abroad in a few weeks. I am afraid to be away from home. I am worried about the unpredictability of it all.I am worried about making friends and meeitng people and doing the school work.


     I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..

    Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..

     Good night world!

song.journal.may.june.2011.

05.01.11. Summer's Not Hot.
...
The temperature is 99
And it can't get much hotter
So come on over Romeo and 'Vamos A La Playa'
...
The Summer's Not Hot, The Summer's Not Hot WITHOUT you!
...
05.14.11. Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not.
...
Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?
Are we gonna do this or what?
I think you know I like you a lot
But you're about to miss your shot
Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?
...
05.16.11. Up.
...
Even my skin is acting weird
I wish that I could grow a beard
Then I could cover UP my spots
Not play connect the dots
I just wanna disappear
UP--UP--UP--
Can Only go UP from here
UP--UP--UP--UP
Where the clouds gonna clear
UP--UP--UP--
There's no way but UP from here
Even something as simple as
Forgettin' to fill up on gas
There ain't not explaination why --
Things like that can make you cry
Just gotta learn to have a laugh.
...
05.17.11. Enchanted.
...
The lingering question kept me up
2am, who do you love?
I wonder till I'm wide awake
Now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door
I'd open up and you would say, hey
It was enchanting to meet you
All I know is that I was Enchanted to meet you
...
I'll spend forever wondering if you knew
...
05.26.11. Permanent Marker.
...
I know he loved you
A long time ago
Ain't jealous of you
Just thought you should know
You were never good enough for him or anything like me
So you might as well step back 'cause I ain't tryin' to show maturity
X is the mark I drew through your face in Permanent Marker
Just like the mark you knew you were making
Who do you think you are, to write on his heart?
In Permanent Marker
...
05.27.11. Me, Myself and Time.
...
And I know everything will be fine
With Me, Myself and Time.
I go where life takes me, but somedays it makes me want to change my direction
Sometimes it gets lonely, but I know that it's only a matter of my perception
I just entered this brand new world
And I'm so open-hearted
I know I've got a long way to go, but I,
I'm just getting started
...
05.31.11. Don't Forget To Remember Me.
...
Tonight I find myself kneeling by the bed to pray
I haven't done this in a while
So I don't know what to say but
'Lord I feel so small sometimes in this big ol' place
Yeah, I know there are more important things,
But Don't Forget to Remember Me
...
05.31.11. UP.
It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way--
Yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily
...
06.03.11. Defying Gravity.
...
I'm through accepting limits
'Cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying Gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm Defying Gravity
And you can't pull me down!
...
06.04.11. Sparks Fly.
...
My mind forgets to remind me
You're a bad idea
You touch me once and it's really something
You'll find I'm even better than you even imagined I'd be
I'm on my guard for the rest of the world
But with you, I know it's no good
And I could wait paitently, but I really wish you would
Drop everything now
Meet me in the pouring rain
Kiss me on the sidewalk
Take away the pain
'Cause I see Sparks Fly whenever you smile
...
06.08.11. No One Needs To Know.
Am I dreamin' or stupid?
I think I've been hit by Cupid
But No One Needs to Know right now
And I've been busy makin' big plans
But No One Needs To Know right now
I got my heart set, my feet wet
And he don't even know it yet
But No One Needs To Know right now
...
06.09.11. Into You.
If he doesn't call when he says he'll call;
Or if he doesn't even call at all,
Well, he just might not be that Into You.
If he's too busy to see you on the weekends;
And he doesn't introduce you to his friends,
Well, he just might not be that Into You.
'Cause if he was he'd be hanging on your every word.
He'd put away his little black book and put you first.
He'd be doing double back flips to make it work out.
...
06.14.11. Stupid Boy
...
She laid her heart and soul right in your hands
And you stole her every dream and crushed her plans
She never even knew she had a choice
And that's what happens when the only voice she hears is telling her she can't
You Stupid Boy
...
It took a while for her to figure out she could run
But when she did, she was long gone,
Long gone
...
06.19.11. Cryin' For Me.
...
Got the news on Friday mornin’
But a tear I couldn’t find
You showed me how I'm supposed to live
And now you showed me how to die
I was lost till Sunday mornin’
I woke up to face my fear
While I’m writing you this goodbye song
I found a tear
I’m gonna miss that smile,
I’m gonna miss you my friend
Even though it hurts the way it ended up
I’d do it all again
So play it sweet in heaven
‘Cause that’s right where you wanna be
I'm NOT crying 'cause I feel so sorry for you
I'm Crying For Me
...
06.21.11. Run.
...
'Cause I swear out there ain’t where you ought to be
So catch a ride, catch a cab
Don't you know I miss you bad
But don't you walk to me
Baby RUN, cut a path across the blue skies
Straight in a straight line
You can't get here fast enough
Find a truck and fire it up
Lean on the gas and off the clutch
Leave Dallas in the dust
I need you in a rush
So baby RUN
...

song.journal.march.april.2011.

03.01.11. Barefoot Cinderella.
...
A dream world is always perfect,
But that's not my real life.
Wish you did, but you don't know
Then me I am inside.
I pray that you'll come lookin' and I won't hide
I'll be smiling when you find me
'Cuz I've been waiting
For you to ask:
"Do you wanna dance, My Barefoot Cinderella?
Don't need no slippers or a party dress,
The way you're lookin' right now is what I like the best."
And then you say:
"Do you wanna take that chance?
Stay with me forever?
No one will ever be more beautiful,
My barefoot, My Barefoot Cinderella."
...
03.03.11. Lost In Your Own Life.

...

I want you to know, you're never alone
You'll ALWAYS have a place to go.
That's on the brighter side
I'll color your night
I'll lead you to light
Put hope inside for you to find
You don't have to be lost,
Lost in Your Own Life.
...
03.12.11 Who Says.
...
Who Says you're not perfect?
Who Says your not worth it?
Who Says you're the only one that's hurting?
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty
Who Says you're not pretty?
Who Says you're not beautiful?
Who Says?
...
03.21.11 Last Time Around.
...
I'd let you go, but you're all that I'm after
Can't you remember?
Keep on moving like you did last summer
When the grass was greener, and your hair was longer
If you become familiar with another in town,
Don't forget about the fun that we had,
Last Time Around
...
03.24.11 Catch Me.
...
I can't set my hopes to high
'Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye
But you're so hypnotizing
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unraveling
Your love is where I'm falling
But, please DON'T Catch Me
...
03.25.11. Last Kiss.
...
Because I love your handshake meeting my father.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets,
How'd you kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something
Not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions
...
All that I know is I don't know,
How to be something you'll miss.
...
04.05.11. Mean.
...
Someday I'll be living in a big ole city
And all you're ever gonna be is Mean.
...
04.09.11. Terrified.
...
I only said it 'cause I mean it
I only mean it 'cause it's true
So don't you doubt what I've been dreaming
'Cause it fills me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you
You said it again my heart's in motion
Every word feels like a shooting star
I'm at the edge of my emotions
Watching the shadows burning in the dark
And I'm in love
And I'm Terrified.
...
04.10.11. Introducing Me.
...
And I like to use to the word "dude"
As a noun, or an adverb, or an adjective
And I've never really been into cars
I like really cool guitars and superheroes
And checks with lots of zeros on 'em
I love the sound of violins
And making someone smile
If you wanna know
Here it goes;
Gonna tell you this
The part of me that'll show if you're close
Gonna let you see everything
But remember that you asked for it
I'll try to do my best to impress
But it's easier to let you take a guess at the rest
But you wanna hear what lives in my brain
My heart, well you asked for it
For your perusing
At times confusing,
Possibly amusing
Introducing Me
...
04.16.11. Beleive In Me.
...
The mirror can lie
It can't show you what's inside
And it, it can tell you you're full of life
It's amazing what you can hide,
Just by putting on a smile.
I don't wanna be afraid.
I wanna wake up feeling beautiful today
And know that I'm OK
'Cause everyone's beautiful in their usual way
So you see, I just wanna Beleive in Me.
...
04.21.11. Different Summers.
...
Oh, You know that I can't help but wonder
What's gonna happen next.
I'm a little curious, oh yeah
Every star that I stood under,
When you were under it too
Did you ever think about us?
...



04.25.11. Mean.
 ...
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I, I just wanna feel OK again. 
...

song.journal.january&february.2011.

Someone once said.. "When words fail, music speaks." I'm a big believer in that phrase. There is something about putting lyrics to melody can turn ordinary words into universally understood feelings, drive one to tears, and bring people together.
This here, this is a list of songs that sopke to me this year. These songs either were stuck in my head or describe how I feel or both!
So here it goes.. my heart and soul from 2011

01.17.11. Superman.
...
Tall, dark and beautiful, he's complicated, he's irrational.
But I hope someday he'll take me away, and save the day.
Something in his deep brown eyes has me saying,
He's not all bad like his reputation
And I can't hear one single word they say.
And you'll leave got places to be and I'll be OK
I always forget to tell you I love you
I loved you from the very first day... 
...
 01.31.11 Long Live.

...

Long Live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming Long Live, the look on your face
And bring on ALL the pretenders, I'm NOT AFRAID!
...
02.12.11. Black Keys.
...
And the Black Keys never seemed so beautiful
And a perfect rainbow never seemed so dull.
And the lights out never had this bright a glow
And the Black Keys are showing me a world I never knew
...
02.25.11. The Way I Loved You.
...
And it might be wonderful
And it might be magical
And it might be everything I've waited for,
A miracle,
But even if I fall in love again
With someone new,
It will never be The Way I Loved You
...

broken.hearted.

     What does it even mean to be heartbroken? Does anyone really understand?  I understand now.  I used to hear it was something everyone must experience at least once. Now I know that it's true and through my experience these are some of the other things I have come to know.

     I know...

• Heartbreak is an extreme drop in self-esteem.
• Heartbreak is knowing he's not worth your tears
• Heartbreak is crying anyways.
• Heartbreak is being mad that you're crying.
• Heartbreak is crying more.
• Heartbreak is the feeling that there is no way you'll be able to carry on.
• Heartbreak is knowing you're 'Best Thing He Never Had' (Thankyou, Beyonce).
• Heartbreak is not being able to stop wondering why he doesn't want you.
• Heartbreak is not understanding why your not worth fighting for, or worth waiting for(even though you've been waiting your whole life for him).
• Heartbreak is crying even more.
• Heartbreak is listening to every Taylor Swift song in the book.
• Heartbreak is wearing that t-shirt.
• Heartbreak is finally getting the strength to put that t-shirt away for good.
• Heartbreak is listening to every angry Carrie Underwood song.
• Heartbreak is eating too much icecream.
• Heartbreak is wishing he was cool enough to have a car, so you can egg it.
• Heartbreak is being glued to the phone.
• Heartbreak is wishing he would call and hoping he won't, all at the same time.
• Heartbreak is knowing he won't.
• Heartbreak is thinking of all the ways he could change.
• Heartbreak is knowing he will never change.
• Heartbreak is thinking of every possible scenario; in which he could attempt to win you back.
• Heartbreak is imagining all the ways you'd shut him down if he tried any of the above ideas.
• Heartbreak is knowing full-well that you never actually would.
• Heartbreak is knowing that all he has to do is look at you, and all your resolve would melt away.
• Heartbreak is wanting to yell and scream.
• Heartbreak is really wanting him here to hold you and make you feel better, because he's the only one who can.
• Heartbreak is having something good happen to you, and wanting him to be the first to know.
• Heartbreak is knowing he's not there, and never will be again.

     Worst of all, heartbreak is all the 'What If's'.  Heartbreak is all the things you two could have done together, that you never will.  Heartbreak is a seemingly inevitable point in life. I hate it.

Megan and Liz - Best Thing I Never Had (Beyonce Cover)

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 13

Day 13:

 A Picture Of Your Favorite Band Or Artist

David Archuleta

     I love David Archuleta! For those of you who don't know who he is, he was the runner-up on American Idol Season 8.  He is incredibly talented, with a soulful, mature voice that can move a grown-man to tears.  Plus he has the sweetest disposition, the most wonderfully, dreamy smile paired with deep, soulful eyes!

(Think of Me - David Archuleta (Top 6))

...and...

Taylor Swift

     As I know I've mentioned many time before I love, love, love Taylor Swift!  I love her music, her lyrics, her style and her personality.  Basically, I cannot find a single thing to NOT love about Taylor Swift!

(Better Than Revenge - Taylor Swift)

30 Photo Day Challenge - Day 10

Day 10

 A Picture Of The Person You Do The Most Messed Up Things With

     This is one of my bestest friends. I love this girl! She's got so much spunk and makes me laugh 24/7! I swear someday she's going to make it BIG! 

 

     We've done some pretty CRAZY stuff, not too crazy but ALWAYS fun! We've done it all from hour-long-phone-calls, to graveyards, to getting lost, to premiere nights, to NYC, to planning a road trip in North Carolina, to Taylor Swift concerts, to sewing class and more!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 6

Day 6

A Picture of A Person You'd Love To Trade Places With For A Day

    I would love to trade places for a day with Elizabeth Huett.  Who is Elizabeth Huett? Well, Elizabeth happens to be the back-up singer for my favorite person in the entire world, Taylor Swift! 

    

     I would want to be Elizabeth for a number of reasons...

1. She is gorgeous!
2. She looks like she has lots of fun!
3. She's doing my secret, dream job!
4. She gets to hang out with my idol every day!

     All in all I would say Elizabeth doesn't have it bad at all and I would LOVE to be her for just one day!

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 1

Day 1

10 Facts About Me!

1) My tooth brush is orange.

2) I sleep with my teddy bears, Grumpy Bear and Eugene Fitz-bear-ald.
3) My favourite colour is purple... but yellow is a close second.

4) I like to eat!!
5) I am an aspiring runner.

6) I don’t like eggs, they make my teeth itchy.
7) I’m an avid Nicholas Sparks reader.

8) I’ve never been to Disney Land:(
9) I think painted toe nails brighten days!
10) Next weekend I get to see my hero perform in concert! Taylor Swift!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKar-tF__ac

...reporting a week later... 

• yes, it was AMAZING
• yes, she was a FANTASTIC live singer
• yes, I LOVED her sparkly dresses
• yes, she is really THAT beautiful
• yes, she sang ALL my favorite songs
• yes, I ALMOST touched her
• yes, I screamed my head OFF
• yes, I will NEVER forget it

I

will

always

be

FEARLESS

and

SPEAK NOW

mean

"all you are is mean. and a liar. and pathetic. and alone in life. annnnddd. mean."

--Taylor Swift

     You've gotta love Taylor Swift.  In my opinion, like many girls like me, Taylor always 'tells it as it is,' and/or 'makes it all better.' 
     
     This innate talent is probably the key to her, so far, enormous sucess.  Miss Swift's ever increasing popularity is a direct result of the relatable nature of every song she sings, pens or touches.  Taylor is like us, she understands us and our lives. There is evidence of her relatability in everything she does; it appears in her songs, her interviews, and in the way she lives her life, just doing the best she can, Just Like Me.  She is, in a word, phenomenal! But, I guess I should move on from my love for Taylor Swift and get to the point.   
    
     It's been a rough few weeks and the stress is piling on.  To make matters worse, it seems that everyday I look in the mirror there is one more unsatisfaction. With each passing glance there is one more thing to dislike and one more reason to crawl back in bed. To top in off, my character has been greatly tarnished by other's cruel words. 

     I've been trying and trying to see the bright-side. I am trying to see the good things that can come out of all this critism. This process is harder than it sounds, much, much harder!

     I guess this is what the whole idea of my new life.  It is supposed to be about accepting the good AND the bad.  I just wish it wasn't so hard.

     There is one thing I want to say; "think before you speak." That centuries-old saying is all I can think of these days.  If there are problems and issues in a relationship it is good to talk it out, in fact it is healthy. I know that dealing with the problems in a straight-forward and respectful manner is what Our Savior has commanded us to do.   (see Matt 18 and Philippians 2:4)  I learned this at church on Sunday.  On Sunday we discussed the aforementioned scriptures and the content including; how Jesus Christ taught us to present out grievances in order to best talk and work it out together.  He then dictated two other important aspects in solving conflict; first to, when needed, involve a third party and second, of course, utilize lots of prayer.

     Once upon a time I was told a story.  This story was about a man who spread rumours and upon viewing the damaged caused went searching for forgiveness and restitution.  He brought his inquiry to a wise monk.  This monk had him place a feather on each person's doorstep who's lives had been affected by the gossip spread.  Once this mysterious task was complete the man was sent to collect each, individual feather.  However much to the man's dismay he found many had been stolen by the wind.  The moral of the story is simple; words are like the feathers on the doorstep, they can never be revoked.  The problem is words are differnt than feathers and they DO hurt.  Actually, I think perhaps words hurt much more than sticks and stones, leaving that old-saying to rest.

    

     If you need to vent there are healthy ways, like on a blog, for an invisible and/or non-existant audience, or write a letter and DON'T mail it, write in a journal, be like Taylor and write a song.  All I am saying is please, just think first before you do.  Please think,

• how can I explain how I feel?
• Have I looked at it from all angles?
• Do I understand all angles?

Only then when we understand all that we can do we act.

Please, keep this in mind.

'cause...

"i walk with my head down trying to block you out 'cause i'll never impress you. i. just wanna feel OK again"

-- Taylor Swift

(credit: postsecret)