it.goes.on.

     Hey vast internet world,

     These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!

     http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/

     "You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "

(credit postsecret.com)

love.heartbreak.part.II.

      Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
  
      Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...

      It is my own fault.  It comes with way too high of expectations.  

     I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.

     But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance.  I feel creepy.  I just want to keep crying!
    
     My friend just wrote me this:

     "I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)"
     
     That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me.  But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now. 

• She's funny
• She is super nice
• She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
• She has good legs
• She can dance wonderfully
• She is really friendly and chatty
• they are so cute together
• Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
• And I am NOT!

     But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.

     But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long.  I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things.  She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..

• what is wrong with me? :(

I'm so sick of being alone...

I can't do this anymore...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)

he's.just.not.that.into.you.

     He's Just Not That Into You.

It's a movie and it is also a song. Plus it's every, single girls life at one point, or another.

     First off, I love this movie and I adore this song! Within them there are words of wisdom. It sounds corny I know, but it is true.  They are words that everyone should hear.  I want to pass these words on to my children and to my cousins and to my friends. It should in somways be able to protect people.

     These words are not my own and can be taken however you like.. in the words of Ellen Degeneresse: You don't need men, trust me

     I was housesitting last month and I had an ephiphany of sorts. I saw my future, in a sense. I was sitting on the floor in the living room watching Jersey Shore (since it was the only thing on) on the smallest tv imaginable, in a gorgeous - perfect for two people house, that smells like old person, well, because that's who usually live there. with a hot tub out back, and a heated bathroom floor, attempting to study, and not listen to my stomache growl because i can't cook, and have no idea what to eat and don't have anyone around anyways to cook for me. so i get out some crackers, and tzatki and eat that, and then chow down on like 4 poptarts and a litre of pop. good meal,. but what else is there? i justf finsihed off the two pizzas in the fridge - it took me two weeks, but i did it. and never again will i ever eat pizza (fr like a week) who knew you'd get tired of pizza - I mean it is so incredibly delishous (I am totally serious - no sarcasm, actually, really)But I saw myself. in ten years, alone. in a hosue, starving, studying, watching bad tv, sounds sad, huh? WRONG! It's good. There I will be alone, carefree, and independent! i don't have to shave my legs, I'll have money to do as I want. I ca learn to cook without judgment. It will be differnt than the future I have planned for myslef. but it canm still be good. very good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl2k06SYrng

broken.hearted.

     What does it even mean to be heartbroken? Does anyone really understand?  I understand now.  I used to hear it was something everyone must experience at least once. Now I know that it's true and through my experience these are some of the other things I have come to know.

     I know...

• Heartbreak is an extreme drop in self-esteem.
• Heartbreak is knowing he's not worth your tears
• Heartbreak is crying anyways.
• Heartbreak is being mad that you're crying.
• Heartbreak is crying more.
• Heartbreak is the feeling that there is no way you'll be able to carry on.
• Heartbreak is knowing you're 'Best Thing He Never Had' (Thankyou, Beyonce).
• Heartbreak is not being able to stop wondering why he doesn't want you.
• Heartbreak is not understanding why your not worth fighting for, or worth waiting for(even though you've been waiting your whole life for him).
• Heartbreak is crying even more.
• Heartbreak is listening to every Taylor Swift song in the book.
• Heartbreak is wearing that t-shirt.
• Heartbreak is finally getting the strength to put that t-shirt away for good.
• Heartbreak is listening to every angry Carrie Underwood song.
• Heartbreak is eating too much icecream.
• Heartbreak is wishing he was cool enough to have a car, so you can egg it.
• Heartbreak is being glued to the phone.
• Heartbreak is wishing he would call and hoping he won't, all at the same time.
• Heartbreak is knowing he won't.
• Heartbreak is thinking of all the ways he could change.
• Heartbreak is knowing he will never change.
• Heartbreak is thinking of every possible scenario; in which he could attempt to win you back.
• Heartbreak is imagining all the ways you'd shut him down if he tried any of the above ideas.
• Heartbreak is knowing full-well that you never actually would.
• Heartbreak is knowing that all he has to do is look at you, and all your resolve would melt away.
• Heartbreak is wanting to yell and scream.
• Heartbreak is really wanting him here to hold you and make you feel better, because he's the only one who can.
• Heartbreak is having something good happen to you, and wanting him to be the first to know.
• Heartbreak is knowing he's not there, and never will be again.

     Worst of all, heartbreak is all the 'What If's'.  Heartbreak is all the things you two could have done together, that you never will.  Heartbreak is a seemingly inevitable point in life. I hate it.

Megan and Liz - Best Thing I Never Had (Beyonce Cover)