list.take.6.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I don't know if it is easy to distinguish the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't say that anything in my life has been especially uniquely difficult life. But for me, I have had challenges. We all have.
I am a lover of lists so I was going to make a list.. but then I realized that I know the answer. The answer is relationships. Yes, I am aware that I often use this blog as a way to vent about little crushes, or boys and all that stuff. But I'm talking about something different in this case. Actually I could discuss my fear of relationships. How I'm afraid that someone could actually love me, change their mind and hate me. How I'm afraid that I'm too lovable. Not lovable enough, replacable. How I fear moving out because I don't know if I will ever want to come back. How I love my friends but hate them simultaneously because I'm aware that many of the ways I am treated, I deserve better or on the other hand so much better than I deserve. 
Most specifically in this case is my relationship with my little sister. My little sister is wonderful. She loves reading and Twilight and Harry Potter. She is addicted to facebook.  She likes it when people say hi to her and is obsessive about goodbyes and goodnights. Of course, there are bad things about my sister too. There are bad things about everyone. Sometiems she gets mad and calls people names, or hits and bites. That's about all I really know about my sister. My little sister is 19. She is autistic. She is so-called high-functioning autistic.
I am about to be the worst person in the world to say that I love my sister. But I don't like her. I can think of two times in my entire life where I have ever felt any sort of connection with her. What makes it worse is the fact that I am always seeing these stories about how awesome it is to have an autistic sibling. How they still do lots of things together and they can tell they the other one loves them. 
That hasn't been my experience. My sister doesn't want to do things with me. She never has. She sometimes likes playing games. But she never wants to do them with me. When I talk she tells me to shut up. When I help her or drive her somewhere she slams the door and swears.
It's an adventure every day trying to relate. Further, it is extremely difficult to feel connected and to go through life without that vital connection to a sibling. It's hard.
That is my biggest challenge. To love my sister, get to know her better and not get too down about the whole thing.

list.take.4.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I would tell my 16 year-old self...

1) Don't worry so much

2) Smile every day

3) Don't let boys just hang out with you, expect themt  to date you

4) Pray more, complain less

5) Don't let high school get to you

6) People like you, don't read into it too much

7) Read your scriptures everyday

8) Attend the temple and church activities as often as possible

9) Study hard

10) Love yourself

(credit: postsecret.com)

leaving.

June 22
  
     "I'm leaving on a jet plane. I don't know when I'll be back again. "


     Ok, well I do know where I'm going and when I'll be back. I have been excited about this trip for weeks and weeks and months and months. But lately I think I've just been realizing all the things I will miss!

• my family
• my friends
• being able to contact who ever I want whenever I want
• grumpy bear
• my bed
• driving my car
• my own room
• food that I am familiar with

     This is all so foreign I hardly know what to think..

     I'm freaking out, but trying to stay positive.. who knows right?

(credit: postsecret.com)

it.goes.on.

     Hey vast internet world,

     These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!

     http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/

     "You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "

(credit postsecret.com)

love.heartbreak.part.II.

      Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
  
      Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...

      It is my own fault.  It comes with way too high of expectations.  

     I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.

     But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance.  I feel creepy.  I just want to keep crying!
    
     My friend just wrote me this:

     "I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)"
     
     That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me.  But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now. 

• She's funny
• She is super nice
• She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
• She has good legs
• She can dance wonderfully
• She is really friendly and chatty
• they are so cute together
• Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
• And I am NOT!

     But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.

     But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long.  I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things.  She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..

• what is wrong with me? :(

I'm so sick of being alone...

I can't do this anymore...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)

just.friends?

    
     They say guys and girls can't just be friends.

     I beleive it.


     I beleive that no matter what someone is going to feel something for the other one. The problem is it may not, and will not go both ways (at least in my case).  I know this sounds stupid, and I know this sounds immature but I think it's a problem.  I am loving being his friend. I want to be his friend. All I want is to spend time with him and get to know him better, but the knowing that it will never go farther hurts.. Alot!


     There are always other expectations.

      It is difficult.


     It is scary.

     I wish I could read people's thoughts.

power.of.words.

    Have you seen this video? It is beautiful! Perhaps a clever advertising ploy, but I don't care I love it!

     I think that the message is important too. I've found it pretty useful and important in my everyday life. It is all about perspective. It is all about how you say things and how you look at the world. Like today for instance. I planned this hike and only one person showed up. I could see it as a failure or be thankful that that one person showed up and I had the opportunity to get to know him better. Or when the guy I liked asked me to hang out after. I could be upset that it was in a group or be glad he likes spending time with me, even if it is just as friends.

     There are so many examples and wonderful opportunities to change our opinion and to brighten others lives. I hope, I can take more of them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Hzgzim5m7oU

(credit: postsecret.com)                                          
     I thought this was a rather beautiful reiteration!

declaration.

     As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found the portrayal came accross as a paranoid religion, that is unaccepting of others.  I cannot count the times people have told me my dad is a polygymist (which isn't even the proper term as that just means multiple spouses and not multiple wives) or that my gender is restricted in some way. People have simpley hidden against judgements of soething they do not understand nor try to understand or a faith that is open, accepting,and loving and most of all Christian (defined by beleiver of Christ) which is exactly what I and others of my faith are.

(credit: postsecret.com)

30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 24

Day 24:

A Picture of Something You Wish You Could Change

   I wish that I could find the words to describe this. This is not a picture of what I want to change. It has nothing to do the person or thing to which I'm referring. This statement more has to do with how I should have thought it all out more.  I should have been more careful and I never should have gotten so carried away.  That is all I am saying on the matter, so I'll leave the rest up to your imagination.

(credit: Post Secret)

i.just.realized.

I Just Realized

1. I've come to realize that my chest-size... may be more important than I originally thought.


2. I've come to realize that my job... could be worse and only makes me love school more.


3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving... not to take my mother along.


4. I've come to realize that I need... to be happy:)


5. I've come to realize that I have lost... time-keeping skills with my introduction to facebook.


6. I've come to realize that I hate it when... I mess-up my own life without even knowing it.


7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk... it's a dream, because it would never happen.


8. I've come to realize that money... is a necessity.


9. I've come to realize that certain people... will never change.


10. I've come to realize that I'll always... have to wake up the next morning.


11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)... aren't that bad.


12. I've come to realize that my mom... is my bestie.


13. I've come to realize that my cell phone… must be replaced if I wish to survive in this modern society.


14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning... I was smiling.


15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... I worried as-per-usual.


16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking... about the idea of re-invention.


17. I've come to realize that my dad... is pretty heroic to me.


18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook... I live off the good updates.


19. I've come to realize that today... was a wonderful Sunday. One of many I hope!


20. I've come to realize that tonight.... could have been used better.


21. I've come to realize that tomorrow... I have the whole day for me and I LOVE it.


22. I've come to realize that I really want to... let go of it all.


23. I've come to realize that life... "sucks. And then we die."


24. I've come to realize that this weekend... is similar to all I have ever had and ever will have, but I'm not sure that I like that fact.


25. I've come to realize the best music to listen to when I am upset... Taylor Swift. Forever&Always. (if you get the reference)


26. I've come to realize that my friends... are not like they are in the movies.


27. I've come to realize that this year... may be more than I can handle.


28. I've come to realize that maybe I should... learn to smile, no matter what.


29. I've come to realize that I love... being happy.


30. I've come to realize that I don't understand... anything and that is OK.


31. I've come to realize my past... is a stepping stone to the future.


32. I've come to realize that parties... are over-rated.


33. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified... being stuck like this for always.


34. I've come to realize that my life… "a climb, but the view's great."

*credit to Post Secret*