list.take.5.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) I am happy because I know my prayers are answered.

2) I am happy because I know that there is a plan for my life, even if I don't know what it is right now.

3) I am happy because I only have 500 words left on my paper and that means it will be done a day early!
4) I am happy because I am getting healthier

5) I am happy because I am beginning to come to grips with my relationship with ____.

 

list.take.3.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

     I love my parents. I love my parents alot. As an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I beleive in forever, eternal families. I beleive that through the blessings of the restored priesthood and temple ordinances my family can be together forever. That is an important element in my relationship with my parents. Also important to remember is I am 22 years old, and still live at home. This is an enormous blessing. I don't have to pay rent, have very few rules, yet that important element of independence is missing.

    Don't get me wrong I love them. It is a difficult transition between teenager and adult. I have a great friendship with my parents, especially with my mom. But sometimes it's hard because there is still the authority.

list.take.4.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I would tell my 16 year-old self...

1) Don't worry so much

2) Smile every day

3) Don't let boys just hang out with you, expect themt  to date you

4) Pray more, complain less

5) Don't let high school get to you

6) People like you, don't read into it too much

7) Read your scriptures everyday

8) Attend the temple and church activities as often as possible

9) Study hard

10) Love yourself

(credit: postsecret.com)

into.you.

     I want this again...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-happens-when-youre-really-into-someone/

it.goes.on.

     Hey vast internet world,

     These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!

     http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/

     "You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "

(credit postsecret.com)

love.heartbreak.part.II.

      Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
  
      Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...

      It is my own fault.  It comes with way too high of expectations.  

     I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.

     But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance.  I feel creepy.  I just want to keep crying!
    
     My friend just wrote me this:

     "I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)"
     
     That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me.  But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now. 

• She's funny
• She is super nice
• She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
• She has good legs
• She can dance wonderfully
• She is really friendly and chatty
• they are so cute together
• Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
• And I am NOT!

     But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.

     But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long.  I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things.  She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..

• what is wrong with me? :(

I'm so sick of being alone...

I can't do this anymore...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)

just.friends?

    
     They say guys and girls can't just be friends.

     I beleive it.


     I beleive that no matter what someone is going to feel something for the other one. The problem is it may not, and will not go both ways (at least in my case).  I know this sounds stupid, and I know this sounds immature but I think it's a problem.  I am loving being his friend. I want to be his friend. All I want is to spend time with him and get to know him better, but the knowing that it will never go farther hurts.. Alot!


     There are always other expectations.

      It is difficult.


     It is scary.

     I wish I could read people's thoughts.

power.of.words.

    Have you seen this video? It is beautiful! Perhaps a clever advertising ploy, but I don't care I love it!

     I think that the message is important too. I've found it pretty useful and important in my everyday life. It is all about perspective. It is all about how you say things and how you look at the world. Like today for instance. I planned this hike and only one person showed up. I could see it as a failure or be thankful that that one person showed up and I had the opportunity to get to know him better. Or when the guy I liked asked me to hang out after. I could be upset that it was in a group or be glad he likes spending time with me, even if it is just as friends.

     There are so many examples and wonderful opportunities to change our opinion and to brighten others lives. I hope, I can take more of them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Hzgzim5m7oU

(credit: postsecret.com)                                          
     I thought this was a rather beautiful reiteration!

2011 Stats

2011 Stats~Name: Just Me
~Height: Still a hair taller than all my siblings...although this is the last time I'm going to be able to say that.
~Weight: 137
~Moves: 0
~Jobs Started: 1
~Jobs Quit: 1
~Car Accidents: 0 - for once!
~Vehicles Bought: 0
~Weddings Attended: 5 (I'm Mormon, what can I say?)
~Funerals Attended: 2
~Boyfriends: 0
~First Dates: 4
~Dates Total: 6
~Kisses: 0
~Hugs: Tons! :) Lucky people! I'm not that touchy!
~Roommates: I still live at home, so 5
~New Friendships Acquired: Quite a few awesome ones!
~Favourite Game: Quelf! 
~YSA Conferences Attended: 1
~Out Of Province Trips: 3
~Out of the Country Trips: 2
~Classes Taken: 11
     Any other stats you want to know about...you can ask, but I don't guarantee an answer.

     This has been an incredible year for me...one that I am sure I will never forget. Lots of ups, downs, and in-betweens. A huge number of lessons learned...but more still to come I'm sure. I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life who help me through the hard times, laugh with me in the good times, and are always there when I need them.

     I have no idea what the year ahead will bring to me...but I know that whatever comes, with the help and strength of the Lord and those around me, I am ready to face it. I think my scripture for the year ahead will be this...
"Trust in the Lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding.
In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths."
~Proverbs 3:5-6

song.journal.november.december.2011.

11.04.11. Stompin' The Roses.
...
When you were younger, did it occur to you
10 years from then, you'd act the same age?
I cannot carry on this way
Although I've carried all your every little thing
Carry me away
Did you feel like Stomping The Roses?
Smashing out all the feeling inside of them
It's bad business
The way you're Stomping The Roses
...
I was flipping channels on my television
And it made me feel unwell
One of those complicated soap operas
I almost felt like I was watching myself
...
11.08.11. Heartland Heartbreak.
...
She walked in she saw a western star
I saw my chance to have a good March
Well that month turned into a year
...
See she wanted me to sell it all
Move to the city and get a real job
Well I told her I would rather go to hell
She told me she rather I go by myself
She was my Heartland Heartbreak
My pretty little mistake
She left me down by the cold lake
Now she's driving my truck away
My sweet little '58
I tried to stop her but was too late
She left me holding my tail gate
Sometimes I don't know my own strength
...
11.21.11. Dear John.
Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine
You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why
Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with?
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home
...
11.22.11. Don't You Break My Heart Slow.
I liked the way you wanted me
Every night for so long baby
I like the way you needed me
Every time things got rocky
I was believing in you
Was I mistaken?
Do you mean,
Do you mean what you say?
When you say our love could last forever?
But I'd rather you be mean than love and lie
I'd rather hear the truth and have to say goodbye
I'd rather take a blow, at least then I would know
But Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow
...
You would run around and lead me on forever
While I stay at home still thinking we're together
I wanted our love to last forever...

11.23.11. A Perfectly Good Heart.
Why would you wanna break A Perfectly Good Heart?
Why would you wanna take our love and tear it all apart,now?
Why would you wanna make the very first scar?
Why would you wanna break A Perfectly Good Heart?
Maybe I should've seen the signs, should've read the writing on the wall.
And realized by the distance in your eyes that I would be the one to fall.
No matter what you say, I still can't believe
That you would walk away.
It don't make sense to me,
...
12.05.11. Country Boy for Christmas.
...
The only present that I really want this year
Should have eyes like Keith Urban, be strong like Tim McGraw 
Have hair like Dierks Bently and sing like them all
He should love my momma and take good care of me
I want a Country Boy under my Christmas tree
I don't mind a farmers tan,
A real cute smile and rugged hands
That go to work all day until the sun goes down
He'll ask my dad if it'll be okay
If he could take me out for our first date
Cruising in an old ford truck I can see us now
The only present that I really want this year
...
12.07.11.  Do It Right.

Usually, I have two left feet on the dance floor
The last guy to steal a kiss on the front porch.
But this time, it’s gonna be different
This time, I'm gunna walk right up, take your hand,
And tell you how I feel
I just wanna do it right,
‘Cause I don’t wanna lose ya.
Say something tonight that might scare you away.
‘Cause I’ve been known to stumble,
And if you see me, fall flat on my face,
It’s ‘cause you take my breath away.
Ohh and if I’m gonna take that chance tonight,
Ohh I, just wanna Do It Right.
...

12.08.11. Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You.
...
Left me all alone
You couldn't be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
From wanting you back to not giving a damn
I've felt it all
I've been to the wall
Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
...
12.12.11.Wait.
...
Even though you're gone I can hear your heart
It's calling out my name like a flash in the dark
If this is just a dream
I won't give it back
I'll find a way to make it last
One more minute, Wait, Wait, Wait, don't go
Just one more minute, Wait, Wait, Wait, don't go
..
12.15.11. I Wanna Hippopotamous for Christmas.
...
I can see me now on Christmas morning, creeping down the stairs
Oh what joy and what surprise when I open up my eyes
To see a hippo hero standing there
I want a hippopotamus for Christmas
Only a hippopotamus will do
No crocodiles, no rhinoceroses
I only like hippopotamuses
And hippopotamuses like me too
Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then
Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian
...
12.16.11. Christmases When You Were Mine.

...

I've been doing fine without you, really
Up until the nights got cold
And everybody's here, except you, baby
Seems like everyone's got someone to hold
But for me it's just a lonely time
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
Merry Christmas everybody
That'll have to be something I just say this year
I'll bet you got your mom another sweater
And were your cousins late again
When you were putting up the lights this year
Did you notice one less pair of hands
I know this shouldn't be a lonely time
But there were Christmases when I didn't wonder how you are tonight
Cause there were Christmases when you were mine
You were mine.
12.17.11. Christmas Must Be Something More.
What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song still survive without five golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without misletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas carols told a lie
Tell me what would you find
You'd see that today holds something special
Something holy, not superficial
So here's to the birthday boy who saved our lives
It's something we all try to ignore
And put a wreath up on your door
So here's something you should know that is for sure
Christmas must be something more
...
12.20.11. Santa Baby.
...
Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
...
Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
I don't mean a phone
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
...
12.22.11. Penguin, James, Penguin.
...
He's Penguin, James Penguin
That dapper little guy
Like a well dressed duck in a three piece tux
He's Santa's secret spy
...
12.27.11. Must Be Doing Something Right.
...
Must be doin' something right
I just heard you sigh
You leaned into my kiss
And closed those deep blue need you eyes
Don't know what I did
To earn a love like this, but baby, I
Must be doin' something right
...
Girl, I hope I'm on the right road
And judging by the smile on your face
...
I don't know what I did
To earn a love like this, but baby, I
Must be doin' something right

waiting.

       Please forgive the musings of a 21 year old girl.

1. It's late
2. I'm exhausted and therefore over-emotional
3. I'm a girl. (I never like that as an excuse, but today it seems like a legit one)

     I thought this summer I knew what it meant to start to fall in love. I learned a little bit about what real feelings truly are. What I mean by this, is I learned what it could feel like, and more importantly perhaps I learned how much it hurts. I learned how much it hurts to have those feelings not reciprocated. I learned how much it hurts to be rejected, to not be good enough.  If you are a faithful reader (I know they don't exist, but I can pretend) you will be aware I have posted on this in the past. I hope you, dear and faithful readers, will also be aware that I have realized this summer and all it entailed was actually a blessing in disguise.  I learned a lot this summer. I learned about feelings, and about loss and life and independence and most importantly I feel I learned about me.  This summer made me grateful that I've chosen to wait.

[insert rant here]
    
     Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.

• Self-respect for me
• Respect for the person I am waiting for

      I think the second point was one of the major issues or problems (call it what you may) with the guy this past summer. Man, I thought he was perfect.

• He was handsome
• He was smart
• He gave me butterflies
• He liked me back
• He listened

   Basically in my mind he had all the requirements... Well, sort of. There was one little hitch. He's been with pretty much every woman and their mother (yes, that's an exaggeration), the point being there was a lot. More significantly than that. There was a lot that meant nothing. Even if he had truly changed, like he claimed. For me that uncomfortable feeling that I was constantly being compared never would have left.

   Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.

    I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!

declaration.

     As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I found the portrayal came accross as a paranoid religion, that is unaccepting of others.  I cannot count the times people have told me my dad is a polygymist (which isn't even the proper term as that just means multiple spouses and not multiple wives) or that my gender is restricted in some way. People have simpley hidden against judgements of soething they do not understand nor try to understand or a faith that is open, accepting,and loving and most of all Christian (defined by beleiver of Christ) which is exactly what I and others of my faith are.

(credit: postsecret.com)

just because

I don't know if you've ever experienced exam week.

It is awful.  Actually school can be plain awful sometimes. All this awfulness makes me long for summer.

In my mind summer is great.

In my mind summer is when I can have time to breathe, to think, to work-out and just start My New Life.

But right here, right now, I figured why not? Why not start today?

It has felt like something just isn't right. So I have decided now is my chance to do something.

Perhaps no one will ever see this, or hear me.  But there is strange comfort in knowing all of this will be out there in this vast universe.  Perhaps out there, in all this emptiness I can touch something, someone, or maybe even myself.

**All photos are courtesty of http://www.postsecret.com/ which is an amazing website that brings, hope, inspiration, joy, laughter and tears not just to myself, but to millions like me.**