waiting.

       Please forgive the musings of a 21 year old girl.

1. It's late
2. I'm exhausted and therefore over-emotional
3. I'm a girl. (I never like that as an excuse, but today it seems like a legit one)

     I thought this summer I knew what it meant to start to fall in love. I learned a little bit about what real feelings truly are. What I mean by this, is I learned what it could feel like, and more importantly perhaps I learned how much it hurts. I learned how much it hurts to have those feelings not reciprocated. I learned how much it hurts to be rejected, to not be good enough.  If you are a faithful reader (I know they don't exist, but I can pretend) you will be aware I have posted on this in the past. I hope you, dear and faithful readers, will also be aware that I have realized this summer and all it entailed was actually a blessing in disguise.  I learned a lot this summer. I learned about feelings, and about loss and life and independence and most importantly I feel I learned about me.  This summer made me grateful that I've chosen to wait.

[insert rant here]
    
     Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.

• Self-respect for me
• Respect for the person I am waiting for

      I think the second point was one of the major issues or problems (call it what you may) with the guy this past summer. Man, I thought he was perfect.

• He was handsome
• He was smart
• He gave me butterflies
• He liked me back
• He listened

   Basically in my mind he had all the requirements... Well, sort of. There was one little hitch. He's been with pretty much every woman and their mother (yes, that's an exaggeration), the point being there was a lot. More significantly than that. There was a lot that meant nothing. Even if he had truly changed, like he claimed. For me that uncomfortable feeling that I was constantly being compared never would have left.

   Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.

    I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!