travel.adventures.take1

June 22, 2012 (took a while to update, but here is what I wrote)


     Hey everyone!


     It is 1:34pm and I have finally arrived at my hotel. Phew!


     What a long day! I am completely exhausted. 


     My plane was about an hour late to leave the airport in Calgary. But I enjoyed the time to write in my journal and contemplate this experience.  Plus I just got more and more excited by the accents that I was hearing everywhich way. "Mummy and daddy" are probably my favorites! Then of course there was the crazy long plane ride. I was sitting my the window because I wanted to be able to get the very first glimpse of London from the sky and just soak it all in. But I was in for a few surprises..

   Before I get into my surprises I would like to mention my wonderful seat mates. They were an adorable newly wed couple. She was Canadian and he was British and they were off to honeymoon/meet up with his folks. They were sweet and woke me up everytime something important happened, but also being newly weds and all, they were inclined to cuddle, leaving me with more room than I had anticipated. How nice.
 
     I actually slept quite a bit of the flight and when I wasn't sleeping I read Persuasion  by Jane Austen, a book I am required to read for my British Literature class I will be taking over here. I have been trying to read it for ages in Kamloops, but once I buckled down I really got into it. Now I would recommend it to all, what a wonderful love story! It makes me happy.

     Now I flew on a rather cheap airline, the cheaper the better! But this meant that we did not have our own individual TVs on the back of the seat! It also meant they barely showed movies at all. We watched an episode of Friends, the one where Monica gets stung by a jelly fish and Ross and Rachel get back together and break-up AGAIN! There was also an episode of The Simpsons (the first I've ever seen) and then we watched Mamma Mia and some old silent black and white film. The rest of the eight  hour flight was filled with watching the airplane slowly cross the Atlantic Ocean. It was all very exciting! All of that time also allowed me to discover their radio stations really only cycle through ten songs and half the country songs on the country station were no good, in my opinion!

    Then here comes the surprise! We stop in Manchester! Now, imagine me! I'm freaking out! I didn't know this was happening! I am supposed to get to Gatwick and I don't know what to do!

   It turns out this is a layover. We are all led off the plane, stand in line, go through securtiy, because it is apparently UK law, and then the half of the flgiht that wants to go to Gatwick, or more accurately has tickets to Gatwick get back on the plane and off we go on a forty five minute flight.  

   The waiting doesn't end here though! We get off the plane and now wait two and ahlf hours in customs. I am not exaggerating!

   When I finally got out of customs my bag was just sitting in the terminal. It made me abit nervous, but at least it was there. I find the Gatwick Express Terminal and get on a train.

      But the train was simple enough and I met some nice people already. Well, more specifically I met this nice Turkish man. Yes, I was freaking out a little bit about Taken, But he seemed harmless,and got off a few stops before me. He told me he had moved to London two years before to learn and train to be a professional football referee. I thought that was pretty nifty. He then told me all about the problems of his long-distance relationship with his girlfriend in Amsterdam. He was coming back from surprising her on her birthday! How sweet!

    I got to the tain station and was so incredibly exhausted. Although my mother had told me that my hotel was only three or four blocks away I couldn't figure out which exit to leave from so I just got in line for a cab and figured I would be fine paying a little extra because I was too tired to walk, plus it was raining. But the cabby called me love and told me which way to go and said he would hate to waste my money. So I walked. It was nice and the weather changes faster than a 14 year old girl's mood!

    My hotel was darling. It was tiny! Reminded me of Leap Year! I got all settled and tried to head off to explore the neighborhood!  I was originally planning on Buckingham Palace, but was too tired and apparently can't read a map, so I enjoyed a few churches in the area, saw a funneral and tried to help a british man with his groceries. He was carrying a propane tank and a few bags and dropped them everywhere! I offered to help, and as far as I can tell he said he was fine, so I let him be. I feel that is the British way. But now I worry that that isn't actually what he said!

  For dinner I was lame and just got KFC. I could only find sit-down other kinds of restaurants and felt too loserish if I ate alone.

    Then I watched BBC and fell asleep around 9pm! Jetlag will not stay long!

     I just enjoy everthing right now. It feels like this is such a good thing. All the silly things I've been stressing about, worrying about and carrying around for so long just don't feel important. All that matters is this grand adventure I have set off on and concentrating on making more memories than ever before.
    Actually I have a line from a song from Tangled running through my head, but I've changed it a bit.

• "And now at last I am completely free! I kept wondering and wondering and wondering and wondering when would my life begin?"
• You know, this could be it!

     Love you lots and miss you ! But London may be too exciting to miss you too much!
Love,
     Me

into.you.

     I want this again...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-happens-when-youre-really-into-someone/

what. if.

•      What if...
•      What if I'm the one always screwing this up...
•      What if it's never going to work out...
•      What if I let all this loneliness get the best of me..
•      What if I'm scared...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-dont-know-how-to-be-in-a-relationship/

thoughts.

     Has anyone ever noticed when the best time to think is?

     The best time to think for me is at night, it seems the deeper the darkness becomes the deeper my thoughts, or perhaps that is just because I get more tired and think dumb things start to sounds smarter.  These thoughts can be all types. Lately though, they haven't been the happiest. I have been having thoughts of sadness, of confusion, of fear. So here you go non-existent audience, here are my thoughts!
     I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness.  I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time   to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS.  And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way.  The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
       "he respects my space,
        and never makes me wait,
        and he calls exactly when he says he will,
        he's close to my mother,
        talks business with my father,
        he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
    

    I also worry about the future and about school and even about going abroad in a few weeks. I am afraid to be away from home. I am worried about the unpredictability of it all.I am worried about making friends and meeitng people and doing the school work.


     I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..

    Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..

     Good night world!

list.take.2.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

   Fears are a funny thing. Have you noticed that?  They are often irrational. They are odd. Sometimes they stem from experience other times, they make no sense at all.

     I am seriously afraid of the following three things...

1. Needles.

• I think my reason for being afraid of needles is simple. They hurt. It is dumb to allow someone to stab you and put a poisonous substance in your body or remove blood, just plain unnatural! Plus, I bruise like a peach!

      2.  Public Speaking

• All those people looking at you is terrifying. I also am afraid I look and sound dumb, and that they are judging me. I espeically dislike talking in church, because in church there is no real right or wrong, and you are talking about more personal things. And if I cry, that is all the more embarassing.

       3. Getting hit by a train while driving or dogs.

• I seen it in the movies. I looks unpleasant and scary.
• When I was in the fourth grade my best friend's border collie attacked me. I still have a scar.  I also had a few incidences with dogs on my paper route. I think their unpredictability terrifies me the most.

That is probably my biggest secret fear of all..

replacement.rant.

     I have a rant. It may be an odd rant, but it is my rant. I am actually quite interested in whether or not anyone else feels the same way I do.
    
     I have throughout my life had several TV shows that I have loved, what I mean by loved is, have watched religiously. And with each show I have found, and understandably so, the writers are eventually forced to make a huge change, perhaps switch characters, change a plot line ect. I am talking about the times when they decide the audience needs a mix up, when a main character becomes pregnant, or the sexual tension that has been building for five seasons finally comes to a close with a kiss and a stable relationship.

      What I am wondering is don't the producers and writers and directors know that I HATE that. Well, let me tell you, they should! Yes, it is all I've been wanting.  However, once it happens I feel lost, and quickly get bored and peeter out of interest and stop watching it.

     Exhibit A: Star Gate: SG1

• Daniel Jackson died

     Exhibit B: Ghost Whisperer

• Jim died, but that kept the plot interesting as his soul tried to get back to her, but then at the end of the season you realizie she's pregnant.
• Melinda had a baby. Now that really ruined it. Half the time the kid was in the way, the other half you were left wondering what she did with him when all the other characters were out and about and no one was watching him

  
  Exhibit C: Friends

• Ross and Rachel broke up
• The only good change: Chandler and Monica

     Exhibit D: LOST

• The switching of the romances
• Charlie dying

    


Exhibit E: Castle

• Yet to find out, but Castle and Beckett finally getting together.

     Exhibit D: Chuck 

• Chuck and Sarah got together
• Morgan found out
• Casey found a daughter and lover

list.take.1.

Starting on my list.. Question number 1!

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.

1) I am a proud member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
2) I love the idea of love, but have never experienced it.
3) I like to worry, well not really. But I do that alot.
4) I get cankersores when I don't drink enough water.
5) I would pick salty over sweet.
6) I am going to London this summer to study history!
7) I never floss my teeth, who does?
8) I am learning how to time manage.
9) I just started to stay up past 10 and now I can't sleep.
10) I secretly want to be a back-up singer.
11) I'm double majoring in two unrelated subjects; History and Psychology.
12) I carry my backpack with me everywhere.
13) I don't like horror movies.
14) I hope to one day ACTUALLY write in my journal EVERYDAY!
15) I wish I lived in a musical.
16) My cousin is my best friend.
17) Things that I think are funny others usually don't.
18) I just went to DisneyLand for the first time this year.
19) NO is the hardest word for me to say.
20) I like to drive FAST.

it.goes.on.

     Hey vast internet world,

     These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!

     http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/

     "You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "

(credit postsecret.com)

love.heartbreak.part.II.

      Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
  
      Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...

      It is my own fault.  It comes with way too high of expectations.  

     I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.

     But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance.  I feel creepy.  I just want to keep crying!
    
     My friend just wrote me this:

     "I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)"
     
     That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me.  But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now. 

• She's funny
• She is super nice
• She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
• She has good legs
• She can dance wonderfully
• She is really friendly and chatty
• they are so cute together
• Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
• And I am NOT!

     But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.

     But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long.  I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things.  She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..

• what is wrong with me? :(

I'm so sick of being alone...

I can't do this anymore...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)