http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/what-happens-when-youre-really-into-someone/
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Saturday, 16 June 2012
what. if.
- What if...
- What if I'm the one always screwing this up...
- What if it's never going to work out...
- What if I let all this loneliness get the best of me..
- What if I'm scared...
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-dont-know-how-to-be-in-a-relationship/
Thursday, 14 June 2012
thoughts.
Has anyone ever noticed when the best time to think is?
The best time to think for me is at night, it seems the deeper the darkness becomes the deeper my thoughts, or perhaps that is just because I get more tired and think dumb things start to sounds smarter. These thoughts can be all types. Lately though, they haven't been the happiest. I have been having thoughts of sadness, of confusion, of fear. So here you go non-existent audience, here are my thoughts!
I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness. I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS. And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way. The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
"he respects my space,
and never makes me wait,
and he calls exactly when he says he will,
he's close to my mother,
talks business with my father,
he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
I also worry about the future and about school and even about going abroad in a few weeks. I am afraid to be away from home. I am worried about the unpredictability of it all.I am worried about making friends and meeitng people and doing the school work.
I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..
Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..
Good night world!
I have been thinking about... You guessed it! From the theme of my last few posts! I have been thinking about singleness. I have no idea why it is that this is so pressing on my mind, never before has it ever been an issue. Not when I was 18 and had never been on a date, or when I couldn't get a date to grad, or when no one ever asked me to dance at the dances. It has never been a big deal. It seems like it has been bothering me since my last friend finally entered a serious relationship. I know it sounds awful and President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints said at this past May General Conference that another's success is not anothers failure. But I think maybe it is partially because now it seems absolutely no one has time to spend with me, so I notice my lonliness more. Or perhaps it is because of the culture that I live in. As I know I have said before I am LDS. And something that is common in my church, for no particular reason, is young marriages, so to be 21 and unwed, is not actually that common. Most of my friends and acquaintences have married in the past year. This isn't because young people are pressured or anything, family is just important and young men are more wiling to make commitments and it is a common goal. So it just sort of happens that way. The only other reason I can come up with is one that I haven't told anyone about.. I thnk maybe I have never shared this theory because I don't want to know the actual answer. Are you ready for a stupid story? Here is comes, get yourself buckled in.. There was this guy. His name was Bob (not really, but we'll call him Bob) and we dated casually (that is another thing that us LDS folk like to do) for a long time. Several months we went out nearly every Friday night. We had a wonderful time and I have rarely met anyone so easy to talk to and fun to be with. But this is awful. I never really realized we were dating. I enjoyed his company, but there was never a spark. That is not to say that I am waiting to be swept off my feet with flowers and music and never being able to think of anything but him ever again, but I do beleive and know that some sort of physical attraction is necessary and with him, there was none. He was perfect though. Like that Taylor Swift song; The Way I Loved You, except the guy she is with now not the one she misses
"he respects my space,
and never makes me wait,
and he calls exactly when he says he will,
he's close to my mother,
talks business with my father,
he's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable"
but all I could think was there must be something more. And I've never felt so dirty, yes this sounds lame, as when he put his arm around me while we were watching transformers that one time (yes, I'm like as innocent as they come) It just didn't feel right, you know. But that was nearly 3 years ago that I told him I just wanted to be friends and nothing more. He was pretty angry and we learned being friends after feelings like that is hard. But we reconnected and had fun visiting whenever he came back to town. This last time though. He told me he still had feelings for me. And he wanted to know how I felt. I couldn't tell him anything differnt than I had all those years ago. He is wonderful, but I can't date him. I don't know why. I just can't. And now I wonder if these feelings of strong desire for marriage and companionship come from the spirit telling me I was wrong..
I also worry about my faith, am I strong enough? I want to be. But lately I keep getting everything all out of wack..
Those are my thoughts. There are many. It keeps me up some nights..
Good night world!
Sunday, 3 June 2012
it.goes.on.
Hey vast internet world,
These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/
"You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "
(credit postsecret.com)
These are not my thoughts, but I like them, and what's more I agree with them. I think these thoughts are wise. I think these thoughts are truth. I know that anything in my life whether it be romantic, academic, emotional, spiritual and the like, whatever hiccup along the way will just make me limp for a little bit. I have learned that in life. Life goes on, no matter what and most importantly this too shall pass!
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-songs-for-a-man-i-used-to-know/
"You said you didn’t want to see me anymore and I said okay. You said I was such a stoic. I said I yelp when I get a paper cut but I didn’t cry when my grandmother died. Did you want me to cry?
You didn’t break my heart, and I wouldn’t let you think that you did.
“You’re so comfortable and I’m so awkward. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Can’t we start over?” You were only half-joking.
“Okay,” I said and began fake bawling into my sleeve and you laughed.
After that we argued about music for an hour. Things were going to be okay, we really would be friends. And I liked that a whole lot more than losing you from my life completely, as if you had never been there.
A month later I felt something. I felt numb, like I had shut myself off. I took down pictures of us because I couldn’t stand not feeling anything when I looked at you. I could’ve spent a long time with you, maybe because I really liked you, or maybe because I never wanted you to hurt me.
I never wanted to be some faceless name on your long list of ladies twenty years from now. Originally, I was hoping that you’d look back and think to yourself, ‘Man, Elyssa was really cool. I’m glad I met her.’
But, no, you didn’t break my heart. You broke, like, my toe. When people’s hearts break, or bust open or whatever, they die. I just limped around for a while, and I healed eventually. It’s a funny thing about toes, though. Even after they heal, they’re never quite the same as they were before.
I’m glad it was just my toe, though. I only had to learn to walk again. "
(credit postsecret.com)Saturday, 2 June 2012
love.heartbreak.part.II.
Today I've discovered a new kind of heartbreak.
Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...
It is my own fault. It comes with way too high of expectations.
I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.
But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance. I feel creepy. I just want to keep crying!
My friend just wrote me this:
"I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)
"
That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me. But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now.
But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.
But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long. I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things. She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..
I can't do this anymore...
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)
Well, last night I was upset (perhaps an understatement)...
It is my own fault. It comes with way too high of expectations.
I've learned to see this summer as a curse (again). I think it opened me up to the possiblility that love could actually be out there. and that I could feel something. And not be alone for the rest of my life. I know it sounds pathetic that at 20 that's how I felt. That was going to be alone, but I was OK with it. Just going through life not sweating my singleness or when if ever it would change. Because I was happy with me:) And just me! I could do it alone, if I had to. Infact sometimes I worried that that attitude would just contribute to the forever alone syndrome.
But now here I am. Reverted back to a 12 year old girl, bawling my eyes out because a stupid (yes, they always are) boy didn't ask me to dance. I feel creepy. I just want to keep crying!
My friend just wrote me this:
"I scooped out her page. And yeah, I dont know her personality, but it doesnt even matter cause I dont think anyone is as awesome as you, and you are prettier sooooo....____would be making a big mistake if he passed up on you for her, and it would mean you are lucking out since obviously there is someone better then! The man you end up with HAS to be the man who sees how much of an amazing woman you are!!! He wont let you go for ANY reason :)
"That was the kindest, nicest thing anyone could say to me. But here's is all I seem to be able to see right now.
- She's funny
- She is super nice
- She has gorgeous long, blonde hair
- She has good legs
- She can dance wonderfully
- She is really friendly and chatty
- they are so cute together
- Plus, I pulled the friend card and told him that.. mistake!
- And I am NOT!
But that aside, I've been doing a lot of thinking about what it means to be in love, what it takes. I think it's a slow processes. To be in love is an action. It takes work and by no means am I anywhere near that.
But now I know. I really truly know that I want that. I truly do. I want it for me. I want it for him. I want it for everyone. I know that the Lord has a plan for me. I know that if I wait it will all work out! I just wish it wasn't so hard and long. I have a friend who got married about a year and a half ago to her childhood sweetheart. She is such a wonderful person, but it is so hard to speak to her about these kinds of things. She always says it was tough for her to be single.. but when you're 16 and never been kissed or seriously dated it's cute.. when you're 21 it's a little more pathetic. And on nights like tonight I wonder..
- what is wrong with me? :(
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/if-i-loved-you-less-youd-probably-love-me/
(read this article)
(photo credit: postsecret.com)
Monday, 27 February 2012
waiting.
Please forgive the musings of a 21 year old girl.
[insert rant here]
Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.
Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.
I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!
- It's late
- I'm exhausted and therefore over-emotional
- I'm a girl. (I never like that as an excuse, but today it seems like a legit one)
[insert rant here]
Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.
- Self-respect for me
- Respect for the person I am waiting for
- He was handsome
- He was smart
- He gave me butterflies
- He liked me back
- He listened
Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.
I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!
Sunday, 2 October 2011
30 Day Photo Challenge - Day 12
Day 12:
A Picture Of Something You Love
I love giraffes! They are so cool! In fact, I happen to have a collection of giraffe beanie babies and have begun to expand to other giraffe things.
I mean, look at them they're adorable!
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