waiting.

       Please forgive the musings of a 21 year old girl.

1. It's late
2. I'm exhausted and therefore over-emotional
3. I'm a girl. (I never like that as an excuse, but today it seems like a legit one)

     I thought this summer I knew what it meant to start to fall in love. I learned a little bit about what real feelings truly are. What I mean by this, is I learned what it could feel like, and more importantly perhaps I learned how much it hurts. I learned how much it hurts to have those feelings not reciprocated. I learned how much it hurts to be rejected, to not be good enough.  If you are a faithful reader (I know they don't exist, but I can pretend) you will be aware I have posted on this in the past. I hope you, dear and faithful readers, will also be aware that I have realized this summer and all it entailed was actually a blessing in disguise.  I learned a lot this summer. I learned about feelings, and about loss and life and independence and most importantly I feel I learned about me.  This summer made me grateful that I've chosen to wait.

[insert rant here]
    
     Waiting is not a popular decision. It is not popular with those of my generation, or those in this world in general. But I'm here to say, that waiting is something I KNOW is important. This does not come purely from religous upbringing and beleifs, but stems from the idea of respect.

• Self-respect for me
• Respect for the person I am waiting for

      I think the second point was one of the major issues or problems (call it what you may) with the guy this past summer. Man, I thought he was perfect.

• He was handsome
• He was smart
• He gave me butterflies
• He liked me back
• He listened

   Basically in my mind he had all the requirements... Well, sort of. There was one little hitch. He's been with pretty much every woman and their mother (yes, that's an exaggeration), the point being there was a lot. More significantly than that. There was a lot that meant nothing. Even if he had truly changed, like he claimed. For me that uncomfortable feeling that I was constantly being compared never would have left.

   Besides that potential worrying problem, there was the pressure. He never said it out right, but I know and I think I always knew that without that one element, our relationship never would have progressed because that was all he knew. What's more I know that everything I am is special. When he-who-will-not-be-named decided he would no longer persue me because of my decision to wait I felt awful. I felt like no matter what I did, how fun, or smart or kind I was I wasn't enough without that. It meant that no matter what I wasn't enough to keep him without it. I don't think anyone should ever feel that way. Ever. Period. It is just plain wrong. Now I'm done talking about that.

    I think waiting = respect. Respect for yourself because you know you are worth more than that. Respect from others because they don't think all that bad stuff about you. Respect for that Prince Charming someday, because just as you're waiting for him, he'll be waiting for you - and just as you're worth it, so is he!

he's.just.not.that.into.you.

     He's Just Not That Into You.

It's a movie and it is also a song. Plus it's every, single girls life at one point, or another.

     First off, I love this movie and I adore this song! Within them there are words of wisdom. It sounds corny I know, but it is true.  They are words that everyone should hear.  I want to pass these words on to my children and to my cousins and to my friends. It should in somways be able to protect people.

     These words are not my own and can be taken however you like.. in the words of Ellen Degeneresse: You don't need men, trust me

     I was housesitting last month and I had an ephiphany of sorts. I saw my future, in a sense. I was sitting on the floor in the living room watching Jersey Shore (since it was the only thing on) on the smallest tv imaginable, in a gorgeous - perfect for two people house, that smells like old person, well, because that's who usually live there. with a hot tub out back, and a heated bathroom floor, attempting to study, and not listen to my stomache growl because i can't cook, and have no idea what to eat and don't have anyone around anyways to cook for me. so i get out some crackers, and tzatki and eat that, and then chow down on like 4 poptarts and a litre of pop. good meal,. but what else is there? i justf finsihed off the two pizzas in the fridge - it took me two weeks, but i did it. and never again will i ever eat pizza (fr like a week) who knew you'd get tired of pizza - I mean it is so incredibly delishous (I am totally serious - no sarcasm, actually, really)But I saw myself. in ten years, alone. in a hosue, starving, studying, watching bad tv, sounds sad, huh? WRONG! It's good. There I will be alone, carefree, and independent! i don't have to shave my legs, I'll have money to do as I want. I ca learn to cook without judgment. It will be differnt than the future I have planned for myslef. but it canm still be good. very good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl2k06SYrng

song.journal.july.august.2011.

07.01.11 Just A Kiss.
...
And I don't want to mess this thing up
I don’t want to push too far
Just a shot in the dark that you just might
Be the one I've been waiting for my whole life
So baby I'm alright, with Just A Kiss goodnight
I know that if we give this a little time
It will only bring us closer to the love we wanna find
It's never felt so real, not it's never felt so right.
...
07.02.11. I Don't Miss You At All.
...
'Cause I never think about you
I'm better off without you
I Don't Miss You At All
You don't spin around in my head
I'ts like you never existed
And I hope you don't call
I Don't Miss You At All
And I'm not trying to fight it
So you can cross my name right off the wall
I Don't Miss You At All
...
07.04.11. As A Blonde.
...
'Cuz you know that I just might
Break some different hearts, finish what I start
I'm not gonna wait, and mess around with fate.
And come back As A Blonde, try a different lipstick on
As A Blonde, will I get whatever I want?
I'll be ever so enticing,
Take a lot of icing, never have to watch my weight.
Yeah when I'm gone,
I'm gonna come back As A Blonde.
...
07.06.11. Don't Impress Me Much.
...
Okay, so you're Brad Pitt?
That Don't Impress Me Much
So you got the looks, but have you got the touch
Don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night
That Don't Impress Me Much
...
07.07.11. Summer Nights.
...
We went crazy cooped all winter long
And school is out, so let's get it on
Flip flop tans and some white sand
I know the perfect spot
Well the sunset better set soon
So we can get in the mood
Things start getting all heated up
When it strts getting cool, yeah
Summer Nights
Everybody, are you with me?
...
07.08.11. Story of Us.
...
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how
I've never heard silence quite this loud
...
07.11.11. Summer Rain.
...
I've been saving my love for a rainy day
And it's really coming down today
Out of the blue, you came
You shined a little light on a cloudy day
Baby, you could make a broken heart go away.
I'm not gonna lie this feeling inside I can't explain
I'm gonna blame it on the Summer Rain
...
07.12.11. Somebody's Chelsea.
...
"I'll never forget how you showed me what it means
To be Somebody's Chelsea
Somebody's world
Somebody's day and night, one and only girl
A part of a love story that never has an end
You know that's what every woman wants to be"
And I want to be
Somebody's Chelsea
...
07.15.11. I Wanna Cowboy.
...
I'm tired of talking 'bout it wasting my time
On all the cheap talkers needing me feeding me lines
Give me somebody who's tender but tough
Simple and honest knows a thing or two about love
I've seen enough to know I know what I like
It's the hard working, head turning rugged type
I want a down home up with the sun rise man
A pick-up truck driving bull riding strong steady hand
I want the wranglers, stetson and all that stuff
I want the real McCoy
...
07.19.11. Get Out of This Town.
...
Let's Get Out of This Town tonight
Nothing but dust in the shadows
Gone by morning light
Somewhere we won't ever get caught, ever be found
Baby, let's just Get Out of This Town
If we leave tonight and drive fast enough
All our troubles will be just like us
Long Gone Baby
...


07.20.11. Skyscraper.
...
Go run, run, run.
I'm gonna stay right here,
Watch you disappear.
It's a long way down,
But I am closer to the clouds, up here
You can take everything I have,
You can break everything I am,
Like I'm made of glass,
Like I'm made of paper.
...
Go on and try to tear me down.
I will be rising from the ground,
Like a Skyscraper!
...
07.21.11. I Know You Won't.
...
Lately you make me feel all I am is a back-up plan
I say I'm done and then you smile at me and I forget
Everything I said
I buy into those eyes
And into your lies
You say you'll call, but I know you
You say you're coming home, but I know you
You say you'll call, but I Know You Won't
...
I wish you were where you're supposed to be
...
07.25.11. What To Do.
...
You think about it
Can you ever change?
Finish what you started
Make me want to stay
Tired of conversation
Show me something real
Find out what your part is
Play it how you feel
Tell me What To Do, about you
Is there anyway, anything I can say
Won't break us in two
'Cause it's been a long time coming
I can't stop loving you
Tell me What To Do about you
...
07.26.11. Everything I Want.
...
You stayed for a while
Then left with a smile
But at least I made you happy
You make me happy too
It's kinda cheesy to say but
You're Everything I Want
When I'm with you all the hurting stops
...
08.06.11. I Wanna Know.
...
I wanna be the clothes you wear
Wrapped around you tight against your skin
To be a strand of your hair
Tangled and unruly, so you can run your fingers through me
I wanna be there
...
I Wanna Know how you taste when you smile
Soaked in the rain and drenched in the sunshine!
I Wanna Know where you go when you sleep?
Do you think about me?
I Wanna Know
...
The only one that soothes you
Who's really closest to you
Like a kiss on your lips
...
08.10.11. I Love You This Big.
...
By the way my heart starts pounding
When I look into your eyes
I might look a little silly
Standing with my arms stretched open wide.
I Love You This Big
Eyes have never seen.. this big
No one's ever dreamed... this big
And I'll spend the rest of my life
Explaining what words cannot describe but, I'll try
...
08.12.11. What Do I Have To Do?
I hear what you're not saying,
Loud and clear.
I've long since stopped asking
How you feel.
If I’m ever gonna be any closer to you
Oh What Do I Have To You
To get you to talk to me, say anything,
Just see me in the room
I don’t wanna be a flower on the wall,
Wilting away
How hard is it just to have a simple conversation?
Ask me all about the book I read, or how my day went
For me to get through to you
Oh, What Do I Have To Do?
...
08.15.11. When Love Gets A Hold of You.
...
It's tugging at your heart, but you don't show it
It's just a matter of time
It's gonna hit you right between the eyes
You'll wake up in the middle of the night
I'll be the only thing on your mind
Won't be able to shake it loose
When Love Gets a Hold of You
Before you have your first cup of coffee
You're gonna pick up the phone and call me
Won't believe what you say and do
When Love Gets A Hold of You
Cause it's gonna be written all over your face
All your friends gonna tell you how much you've changed
Feeling things that you can't deny
Going crazy and you don't know why
...
08.19.11. Keep Breathing.
...
I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.
But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is Keep Breathing.
All we can do is Keep Breathing now.
...
08.21.11. Bridge You Burn.
...
He's the lesson you learn
He's the dead end you see when you realize you made a wrong turn
He's the one last look back when you finally get over the hurt
He's the Bridge You Burn
No you're not the first one to think they can change him
Well that line of fools is so long
But you'll be the only one you have to blame when
You wake up and he's gone
...
08.22.11. Come In with The Rain.
...
I've got you down, I know you by heart
And you don't even know where I start
Talk to yourself, talk to the tears
Talk to the man who put you here
Don't wait for the sky to clear
I've watched you so long, screamed your name
I don't know what else I can say
But I'll leave my window open
'Cause I'm too tired tonight for all these games
Just know I'm right here hoping
You'll Come In With The Rain.
...
08.27.11. Everything You're Not.
...
'Cause all I want is Everything You're Not
So go ahead and slam the door 'cause you can't shut me out
No, I don't, don't care what you say
'Cause all I really, all I really want is Everything You're Not
Never gonna break my heart again
Never gonna see your face again
Never wanna feel this way again
Your darkness was my weakness
...
And I am done with your twisted symphony
The words that had me sound like stolen poetry
I tore the pages and I can finally breathe.
...
08.30.11. What Can I Say.
...
So I said all I had to say
In letters that I threw away
And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number, but it's been so long
It's never easy, it's like tryin' to spin the world the other way
What Can I Say?
How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
08.31.11. I Won't Apologize.
You had me to get her.
And here, I thought it was me.
I was changin', arrangin' my life to fit your lies.
It's all said and all done.
I gave it all for this long hopeless war
Can she say the same thing?
I guess this is good-bye and good luck.
(I can't be what you want me to be.)
I'm sorry for changing.
I'm sorry it had to be this way.
Believe me, it's easier just to pretend.
But, I Won't Apologize for who I am.
...
I used to accept it, I didn't know I could be free.
But I am, and I won't go back 'cause you so don't deserve me.
(I don't even want to be her.)
..
I don't need you anymore.
I'm sorry.
...