list.take.7.

7. What is your dream job, and why?

I want to sing. I don't want to be a famous pop-star or star on Broadway. But I want to sing. I want to sing backup. I want to travel. And entertain, without all pressure or the actual having to do much besides harmonize.
To do this I would feel like I had a real talent. It was be fun. I could travel. I could bring people joy.

list.take.6.

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

I don't know if it is easy to distinguish the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I wouldn't say that anything in my life has been especially uniquely difficult life. But for me, I have had challenges. We all have.
I am a lover of lists so I was going to make a list.. but then I realized that I know the answer. The answer is relationships. Yes, I am aware that I often use this blog as a way to vent about little crushes, or boys and all that stuff. But I'm talking about something different in this case. Actually I could discuss my fear of relationships. How I'm afraid that someone could actually love me, change their mind and hate me. How I'm afraid that I'm too lovable. Not lovable enough, replacable. How I fear moving out because I don't know if I will ever want to come back. How I love my friends but hate them simultaneously because I'm aware that many of the ways I am treated, I deserve better or on the other hand so much better than I deserve. 
Most specifically in this case is my relationship with my little sister. My little sister is wonderful. She loves reading and Twilight and Harry Potter. She is addicted to facebook.  She likes it when people say hi to her and is obsessive about goodbyes and goodnights. Of course, there are bad things about my sister too. There are bad things about everyone. Sometiems she gets mad and calls people names, or hits and bites. That's about all I really know about my sister. My little sister is 19. She is autistic. She is so-called high-functioning autistic.
I am about to be the worst person in the world to say that I love my sister. But I don't like her. I can think of two times in my entire life where I have ever felt any sort of connection with her. What makes it worse is the fact that I am always seeing these stories about how awesome it is to have an autistic sibling. How they still do lots of things together and they can tell they the other one loves them. 
That hasn't been my experience. My sister doesn't want to do things with me. She never has. She sometimes likes playing games. But she never wants to do them with me. When I talk she tells me to shut up. When I help her or drive her somewhere she slams the door and swears.
It's an adventure every day trying to relate. Further, it is extremely difficult to feel connected and to go through life without that vital connection to a sibling. It's hard.
That is my biggest challenge. To love my sister, get to know her better and not get too down about the whole thing.

list.take.5.

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

1) I am happy because I know my prayers are answered.

2) I am happy because I know that there is a plan for my life, even if I don't know what it is right now.

3) I am happy because I only have 500 words left on my paper and that means it will be done a day early!
4) I am happy because I am getting healthier

5) I am happy because I am beginning to come to grips with my relationship with ____.

 

list.take.3.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

     I love my parents. I love my parents alot. As an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints I beleive in forever, eternal families. I beleive that through the blessings of the restored priesthood and temple ordinances my family can be together forever. That is an important element in my relationship with my parents. Also important to remember is I am 22 years old, and still live at home. This is an enormous blessing. I don't have to pay rent, have very few rules, yet that important element of independence is missing.

    Don't get me wrong I love them. It is a difficult transition between teenager and adult. I have a great friendship with my parents, especially with my mom. But sometimes it's hard because there is still the authority.

list.take.4.

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I would tell my 16 year-old self...

1) Don't worry so much

2) Smile every day

3) Don't let boys just hang out with you, expect themt  to date you

4) Pray more, complain less

5) Don't let high school get to you

6) People like you, don't read into it too much

7) Read your scriptures everyday

8) Attend the temple and church activities as often as possible

9) Study hard

10) Love yourself

(credit: postsecret.com)

new.favourite.tumblr

http://myfriendsaremarried.tumblr.com/post/38227300785/when-my-friend-tells-me-she-wants-to-set-me-up-on-a

--look at be amazed
--and laugh hysterically

letter.

Dear You,

     I want to tell you so badly. I want you to want me. I want you to want to listen to what I have to say. I want you to care. I want you to tell me all your silly opinions, and teach me how to play that dumb video game and all about what your learning at school and reading and doing at work. I want you to want to be my friend.  I want you not to just look through me. I want you to care, just a little bit. Please?

      I love your smile. I love your laugh. I love your beautiful blue eyes. I love the way you glance at me in the rearview mirror.  I love the way you stop in the middle of a sentence. I love the way you noticed me when I felt so lost and helpless. I love the way you love dressing up. I love the way you are passionate about the things you love. I love the way you pretend to know it all. I love the way you work hard. I love the way you help me. I love the way your compliment me. I love the way you make me feel. I love that we love the same shows. I love that you listen to me. I love that you respect me. I love the way you love The Lord with all your might and strength. I love the way you're unafraid to share your testimony, to make sacrafice and to reach out. I love the way you try with my little sister and understand how awkward I feel sometimes. I love so many things about you, but then I hate you. I hate you because I KNOW you don't care.

     When we have it, we have it. When we don't we don't. I don't know how to find a happy medium with you. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to be your friend, or anything else for that matter.

   But I know this will never happen. I know I shouldn't worry. I know that what you are to me, is an illusion. It's not real. It isn't real because you won't give me a chance. You won't let me in. You're not real. I like so much about you, but none of it is real. This should be easy. But it's not.

   You're everywhere. Everything I do ends up revolving around you somehow. It's driving me crazy.

     Please let me go.

     Please tell me how.
       
     You're the one destroying me. You're the only one who can save me.

Love, (and yes, I think love)
Me